Still Over There

I am still here at the moment: http://suzanneinafrica.wordpress.com/2013/07/21/choose-the-better-part/ in case you want to see what is going on and miss my writing.

Peace,

Suzanne

Leaving

I am leaving blogspot for a couple of weeks and posting a new blog instead as I write about my upcoming trip to South Africa. I have 9038 page views on this blog and I have enjoyed writing it. I am delighted that people around the world have tuned in from time to time. I thank you for reading and invite you to join me here for the next few weeks:

http://suzanneinafrica.wordpress.com/

Peace,

Suzanne

Saintly Sinner

“I am not a saint, unless you think of a saint as a sinner who keeps on trying.” ~ Nelson Mandela

I have been reading a lot about Madiba this past eight weeks. He is a remarkable man. As his health falters again, the world watches for the man who caught our attention for so many years. How many of us have prayed for him over the past 30 or so years? His autobiography shows he is not a saint but he definitely was a man who kept on trying to do the right thing for his people. I am so very impressed with how he lived his life. The rest of us can seem very small next to the saintly sinner. He changed his nation and the world. What an inspiration!

May God bless him tonight and give him what he needs.

peace,

Suzanne

What If?

"When the Lord saw her, he had compassion for her." Gospel of Luke, Chapter 7

Losing a loved one is a difficult life event that often changes everything. In today's Gospel about the widow at Nain, Christ takes her pain and transforms it. What utter joy there must have been at this miracle of raising the dead! What did her son think about for the rest of his life? He was dead and was alive again. He had the chance to change everything that he did not like about himself--to be a kinder, more loving person, to break the bonds of fear that come over all of us from time to time, to risk instead of hold back, to believe in the unbelievable, to hold fast to joy because of what he knows, and to have a heart so full of gratitude that nothing will ever seem mundane again. What if you were given a new life today? How would you spend it?

Each day we are given a new chance, where mercies abound. What will you do with this amazing opportunity?

Peace,

Suzanne

Cause of Our Joy

“Immaculate Heart of Mary, cause of our joy, pray for us.” St. Francis of Assisi

Feast Day of Our Lady today inspired me to head to mass. I have not been for a while but it felt good to be back. I thought I should do a three-week novena in thanksgiving for all that has unfolded this past year in answer to the one I did last summer. I am grateful for Mary's gentle guidance and support.

Pray for me, Mary, model of service. As I prepare to leave I asked the Monday morning prayer group to remember me in their prayers. They are faithful people and their prayers protected me during my last trip to Africa.

Happy Feast Day to all of you! How does the heart of Mary inspire you on your life's journey?

Peace,

Suzanne

Job Well Done

"True happiness comes from the joy of deeds well done, the zest of creating things new." ~ Antoine de Saint-Exupery

I took on a task that I did not think I had a lot of skills for but thought it was time to push myself. I accepted to be a fundraising chair for a national conference being held here. We had a fabulous event tonight. Lots of the Deaf Community came out to support us and this was equally important to the planning committee as raising the funds. This brought us all the joy we needed to know we had done a job well.

When was the last time you did something that blessed you a hundredfold in return?

Peace,

Suzanne

Grateful Nightly

“Let gratitude be the pillow upon which you kneel to say your nightly prayer." ~ Maya Angelou

Earlier today, driving home, I was aware of how incredibly grateful I am for all that is happening in my life right now and all that has unfolded in this past year. My journey has been amazing--a trip to Singapore, a retreat at a Jesuit retreat house, along with visits to several friends in the area, my annual get-together with my former interpreting classmates in the USA, reconnecting with old friends, working hard, raising a lot of money for the upcoming interpreting conference next year, taking an amazing art course, going to Mexico, returning to university, and so many other wonders. I will kneel and express my gratitude at the One who gives it all generously.

As you lay your head on your pillow tonight, what are you grateful for?

Peace,

Suzanne

Wonder Watch

“Always be on the lookout for the presence of wonder.” ~E.B. White

Beauty pulses all around us. We miss it because we are so often pulled in a dozen directions. Today at work, in several different interactions with colleagues, I began to see how we were all tired. We have lost our sense of wonder a bit, but apparently not our sense of humour. During a conversation with one co-worker, I suddenly realized that it was Wednesday today. She laughed so hard as I came to that realization as if it was deeply profound information. I have lost track of time and space lately. It must be getting to that time of year.

I am someone who is distracted by beauty and wonder. That playful inner child is mesmerized so often. As I begin to wrap up all my obligations here, my mind wanders to what South Africa will bring. What will I see, hear, taste, marvel at? Who will I meet and what story will they tell me that will change my life? How will I integrate this adventure into my life narrative? I want to be open to all that God will give me on this trip. I know I cannot even begin to imagine what God will create but I do know with all my heart that it will be very good.

Butterflies are transformed in an act of wonder. May I too be changed into a being of greater beauty with wings to fly, causing others to praise the Creator and the wonders of this world.

Peace,

Suzanne

Be a Blessing

"When you focus on being a blessing, God makes sure that you are always blessed in abundance." ~ Joel Osteen

I am breathing and smiling more lately. I can see the end of my stress and have started to look outward again. I realize I have been pretty self-absorbed lately. Looking inward is sometimes a good thing but for me it isolates. I am happy to look to others; that brings me joy and purpose. I am grateful for the transition.

I also have to admit that God has been incredibly gracious unto me while I have been navel-gazing. Extending mercies that are new each day, I am indeed blessed by the Creator's generosity.

Peace,

Suzanne

Art as Life

"I am interested in art as a means of living a life, not as a means of making a living." ~ Robert Henri

Yesterday I went out to a great party in the bush with a bunch of artists, mostly from the class I took over the winter. It was great to meet some new folks too and learn a few things from them. Artists are very generous people I am finding.

I am still a little stressed about all that needs happen before my departure and yet I know now that all will be well. This weekend I took not just one time out, but three. I had a lovely time on Friday night with members of the Catholic community, Saturday night with friends in the Deaf community and Sunday with these new artist friends.

On Sunday I brought my camera and snapped a few photos but mostly breathed in the beauty of the land and let the music settle in my soul. I had good conversations with folks who are fast becoming friends. The sun was shining and it was fairly warm--a novelty lately. I took a walk in the labyrinth, and even though I was chatting with someone I did feel my stress disappear.

I look forward to the journey into this artist world. I am feeling an inner shift lately of wanting to write more and to learn more about photography. I think when I return from South Africa, I will need to sort through some of my life goals and figure out a direction. All these amazing doors are opening for me and I want to pursue some of them.

How are you living your life? Are you chasing the wind or pursuing your passion?

Peace,

Suzanne

Enough and Then Some

"There is never not enough." ~ Fr. Trevor Scott, sj during a homily today

Trevor Scott celebrated mass this morning and wrapped up his homily with these words. He has been a Jesuit priest for all of one week. If this morning was any indication of God's providence for him, he will be an excellent priest and Jesuit. He gave a beautiful children's homily before speaking to the adults in the crowd.

The Gospel reading today was the feeding of the five thousand. I needed to hear these words as I prepare to leave for South Africa--to be assured that there will be enough time, mostly, and enough patience, enough sleep, enough love, enough mercy, and enough letting go. Jesus proves to us that when we walk with him, we not only have enough, we have more than enough in ways that we cannot even begin to imagine. Before we even become aware of what we need, God has it. All shall be well.

I love that Trevor also stressed that God cannot do it all alone but needs us to help bless the world. We need to be co-creators to bring about God's majestic plan.

When was the last time you saw the great Abundance that God blesses you with? How have you helped to ensure that others have more than enough?

Peace,

Suzanne

Finding A Voice

"Who stole your voice?" ~ Dr. Robin L. Smith

A series of self-improvement talks is happening over the next 10 days through Hay House World Summit. I have been listening to Dr. Robin this morning talk about the horrible twins of shame and blame. At one point, she asks who stole your voice? Who robbed you of your identity? When was the last time you were your authentic self? She made me think of the summer I was on retreat and on my first day my soul settled in and I heard the beautiful song bird's melody. I breathed deeply and closed my eyes. I had about a minute of solitude when the crow crackled. That sound was less than desirable. I had an epiphany that remains with me. How would I find my voice? Could it be that sometimes I needed to be the songbird and other times the crow? Would I accept both sides of myself without judgment? The voice of self-condemnation is loudest for most people. Dr. Robin invites us to awaken self-compassion at moments like that. Accountability without compassion is dangerous. I can mess up and feel badly but I can also let it go gently and not beat myself up.

The judgment voice is usually not ours--it is someone from our childhood who chipped away at our fragile self-esteem and it still plays out in our current relationships. At times, it might be best to ask whose voice is that in my head right now? We can dig around and discover some truths about ourselves that will help us to live more fully and joyfully.

When was the last time you found your voice in a way that surprised you and others? Have you embraced the songbird and the crow within you? Can you extend compassion to yourself when you need to?

Peace,

Suzanne

Step Out

"Faith is taking the first step even when you can’t see the whole staircase.” ~ Martin Luther King Jr.

Road map, please!! In two weeks, I will be landing in Cape Town. If I stop to wonder how I got there, I would not know how to explain it to you. When I worked Sojourners Magazine, I transcribed for hours audiotapes of South African women that my friend Joyce interviewed. It was an eye-opening experience that I never forgot. Now I find myself rereading that chapter in her book with new eyes.

The first step of a journey can happen years ago and the path may twist and turn prior to arriving at a destination, which may actually not be the final resting place. The important piece is to pay attention and to trust that the way is opening as it should.

Today is the feast of the Visitation, the day when Mary set out and hastened towards her cousin, to share her joy. She did not know that her yes would lead her to a path that would require great faith to complete. She hastened then and in fidelity completed the journey laid out before her over the decades. Great joy was hers. Great joy can be ours.

Peace,

Suzanne

Choose Carefully

“It is our choices that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.” ~J.K. Rowling

Stress is creating an A personality within me and I am not happy. A colleague did something unusual and uncalled for today and I lost it. I could not comprehend the actions and I was too exhausted to respond gently. It does not matter how many skills you have, sometimes life gets a little carried away from you and you behave badly. I need to choose differently starting right now. Goodbye A, come back B!

Peace,

Suzanne

Please Smile

"Please smile, knowing that everything will be fine." ~ Advice in an email from the planning committee for the Thich Nhat Hanh retreat planning committee to those registered for the August retreat

I came home to this email and promptly smiled. Lots is needing to be accomplished in the next two weeks prior to my departure to South Africa. To start with I have three papers due by June 10 and I still have about 200 pages of books to read before I can breathe easier about two of the papers. I do know that everything will be fine but I am struggling a bit with work-life balance at the moment.

Tonight I went to my goddaughter's amazing dance recital; it lasted 3.5 hours. The break did my soul good and I bathed in the beauty of the dances. I am just home and have decided to blog instead of read. A cool encounter with my friend's sister visiting from Utah helped me settle too. I am still feeling stressed but it is all good I keep telling myself. All shall be well is my mantra lately. I was telling this woman about how life was unfolding in miraculous and wonderful ways for the past 14 months or so, instilling in me awe and gratitude.

She does energy work and I had mentioned to her that today, driving back to the city, I suddenly felt like I had experienced a shift in energy and was overwhelmed with emotions as I read Tutu's book on Forgiveness. I have been reading literally thousands of pages about the stories of horror and hope regarding truth, memory and reconciliation and have managed to sleep well (no nightmares) but this afternoon, the emotions came barging in. I could have sobbed for a long while. I think the intensity of this course finally got to me. Better now than while I am there, I suppose. I am also aware at how tired I am at the moment. I must start getting more sleep.

A number of other emotional things are going on for me right now and as I work through some of them I feel somewhat fragile. It is not all doom and gloom. I had a conversation with some parents this afternoon with whom I have worked for over a decade and the mother turned to me at one point and said she would not know how to get along without me. I noticed yesterday that I was able to do some apartment dancing and found a song in my heart. This tells me that I am beginning to smile and everything will be just fine.

Peace,

Suzanne

Pear Ponderings

To know the taste of an avocado pear, you have to cut it in half. ~ Samora Machel

This quote is attributed to Machel but I came across it reading Albie Sach's Soft Vengeance. Sometimes in life, the very desire that draws you comes at a great cost. One never knows in a relationship or friendship what the vulnerability will be and if pain will tap at your heart. However to eat the flesh of the fruit and savor in the joy of the experience, you need to take the chance of breaking it. Relationships are such fragile things.

Peace,

Suzanne

God as Community

"The Trinity means that God is a Community." ~ Robert Dueweke

We are not meant to be hermits but to live in relationship with others. Today is a day of celebrating God's own community as Creator, Saviour, and Spirit. Who God is puzzles people. We look for answers and sometimes are left unsatisfied by our human knowledge of the Trinity. Today's feast gives some understanding of the complexity of God. We are one with a God who is multi-faceted, and unlimited by our small minds.

In the Ignatian Exercises, God is believed to be in all things and we must seek the holy in all that we encounter. Is this not what this feast also emphasizes? God is not to be boxed in, not even understood. God is to be worshiped and adored in all the glory and majesty that is God's. As always, the Creator is about the work of healing and we are reminded today that God is a community--and we are one body with God--it is here that we will find our healing.

Look for evidence of the Trinity blowing through your life today. What do you see? May grace and peace be yours.

Peace,

Suzanne

Beautiful People

“The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths. These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen.” ~Elizabeth Kubler Ross

I have met many beautiful people in my life. I have a different understanding of beauty than some. I look for souls that shine, the brightness escaping from the eyes and the joy spilling out in laughter. Oftentimes, the person has suffered greatly and compassion overflows. I have met beautiful people throughout the world--in Kenya, Congo, Burundi, Rwanda, Guatemala, Greece, France, Germany, Bali, Canada, and the US. These people might never be models on a runway but they are models for living. They show me what is important in life and what I need to value. They cause me to seek beauty and to be distracted by it.

How do you define beauty?

Peace,

Suzanne

Counting on a Miracle

"Gratitude was born for me in that helplessness on the first few days, when everything depended entirely on miracle." ~ Bill Millar

Sometimes the most beautiful parts of life are the most fragile. I love dragonflies but their beauty seems so fleeting. Tonight as I gathered with friends to break bread and share a meal, I again know that life is indeed fleeting and fragile. I was on the roster for delivering a meal to this couple who are in need of some extra loving right now. They could be depending entirely on a miracle as our friend Bill says. Bill was referring to his daughter's need for a heart transplant in that quote. This couple is struggling with a disease that will rob one of them of their ease. I know they have all felt helpless at one time or another.

When life feels overwhelming and help seems far away, hold fast to the belief that you are not alone. Do not stop believing in the power and possibility of a miracle showing up.

Peace,

Suzanne

Gifts Burdened

Sometimes we are offered a gift that we are reluctant to accept. Perhaps we do not recognize it as a gift because it feels like a burden, like a heavy responsibility that we don't quite know how to carry, and we are afraid that we will do so poorly. ~ Paulette Regan, Unsettling the Settler, Indian Residential Schools, Truth Telling and Reconciliation in Canada

Sometimes the gifts we are given, feel anything but. I have such a gift, one that I struggle with, and am very secretive about. I do not tell many people that I have it, not even recipients who might be very grateful to know that I do have this ability. Mostly, it feels like a burden, but sometimes I acknowledge that it is precious.

I am in the throes of preparing for South Africa. I am back into reading again--I have four books for sure to finish. I am almost done one, nearly done another, one third of the way through the third, and not yet begun the fourth, which I had read twenty years ago. I have three papers left to write. I received my mark on the first one this morning: 29/30. I am grateful for my gift of writing but I do not think I can sustain that level of performance in the next three weeks. I will have to do just the basics in order not to arrive in South Africa totally exhausted.

The readings continue to be a gift, working through the hard questions of forgiveness, memory, truth, and reconciliation. Tonight, I was fascinated by the question of what the children of perpetrators knew about what was occurring during apartheid. Are knowledge and truth gifts? If so, they can be a heavy burden to accept, even if they eventually free you at some level. What do we do with the truth when we do not know how to carry it?

Is your a gift in your life that you are reluctant to embrace? What is it and why?

Peace,

Suzanne

Take Delight!

"Take delight in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart." ~ Psalm 37

Another long day is drawing to a close. I was working out of town and had lunch with a friend there. I worked until the end of the day and drove back into the city to gather for a final time with my small group who I have come to care for deeply. One family will be moving away in a few weeks and I could sense the sadness of saying goodbye. Why does love bring such pain? Why is letting go such a challenge? I know God will bless them and us. We prayed well over them at the end of the evening and then the group prayed over me for my trip to South Africa.

I feel like delight has slipped away from me with the stress of university, work and other issue. I hope that I can grasp it again soon. I recognized just the other day that my inner song was still playing. That was a huge relief!

The desires of my heart right now are rest and joy brought on by an inner peace. What are you longing for tonight?

Peace,

Suzanne

Studying

“Let us study things that are no more. It is necessary to understand them, if only to avoid them.” ~ Victor Hugo

Long weekend has come and gone as a blur. I spent most of it reading and writing a paper for my university class on apartheid, hence the quote. I am miserable but grateful that it rained all weekend. The next two weekends have to be similar, with very little social life and heavy on the studying. It is short term pain for the long term gain.

I am learning lots about victims, perpetrators, bystanders, truth, healing, reconciliation, and memory. Our world is in need of hope and peace. Pray for those people who are suffering around the globe. One day life will look different.

Peace,

Suzanne

Come Holy Spirit

"Jesus breathed on them and said to them, 'Receive the Holy Spirit.'" ~ John 20

I love Pentecost! The Holy Spirit moves so graciously in my life that I cannot help but be overjoyed at the thought of celebrating this gift of Jesus to us. I swear lately that I am being solely held up by the Spirit with my long days and stressful studying. I have spent much of this weekend writing a paper. I still have a ways to go yet.

However this morning I was blessed to attend a confirmation and watch young ones accept this amazing gift on this special feast day. I was moved as I watched one young man receive the anointing from the Archbishop--he seemed to comprehend the great depth of the gift that he was receiving more than the others.

What role does the Holy Spirit play in your life? Do you welcome Her? Do you gratefully accept the gifts that She lavishes upon you?

Peace,

Suzanne

No Shortcuts

“The road we travel is equal in importance to the destination we seek. There are no shortcuts. When it comes to truth and reconciliation, we are all forced to go the distance.” ~ Justice Murray Sinclair

I have begun to read now about the Canadian Truth and Reconciliation Commission (TRC) regarding Indian Residential Schools. My heart breaks reading this history. Is it because I see the damage it has inflicted upon generations of Aboriginal people? Is it because I ache at how children were ripped from their families and so horribly abused? Is it because as a Canadian, I am at a loss as to how this happened in a country of which I am normally proud?

Sinclair's statement is a wise one, as the interim report of the TRC begins. The journey is not just about the destination but also the awareness of the road to arrive somewhere. There are lessons all along the way. Once the path has been walked, there is no returning to the spot as the same person. Not moving forward is not usually a wise option either. The trek to truth is not straight, and thus not for the unfit. The road to reconciliation has sudden turns and sheer drop-offs that call for courage and caution. Each step can create a new awareness and an opportunity for hope and healing.

How many of us dare to step out on this journey in the every day events of our lives?

Peace,

Suzanne

God's Joy is My Strength

"This day is holy to our Lord. Do not grieve, for the joy of the Lord is your strength."~ Nehemiah 8:10

Every day is holy just by the very nature of the gift of Life. This day was no exception. I continue to ponder a decision and do grieve the necessary letting go in order to receive something new. I must open my hands to receive the present of what is being offered. It comes at a cost of releasing what is. For most of us this is never an easy task. May the joy of the Lord be my strength.

Peace,

Suzanne

Trusting From the Bottom of My Heart

"Trust God from the bottom of your heart; don't try to figure everything out on your own. Listen for God's voice in everything you do; everywhere you go; He is the one who will keep you on track." ~ Proverbs 3: 5-6

It is late and I have been working on my first paper for the university class that I am taking. I am definitely feeling overwhelmed and yet as I start the task of writing, I relax into it like it has not been three years since I have done this. I am asking for an abundance of time so that I can not feel so panicked about trying to fit everything in. I hope that evolves well.

I am also sorting through a big life question right now so that hovers over me in moments that I assign it, niggling away at peace. I cannot figure out some of this stuff on my own and so I turn to God and give it over, give it up, and pray that I leave it there, instead of trying to wrestle it from God's good hands. Everything I do and everywhere I go belongs to God who has been there first. I need to use my God Prayer System--that internal GPS tracker that will not lead me astray.

What do you need to trust God for right now with every inch of your being?

Peace,

Suzanne

Who Are You?

"People are people through other people. It means we are who we are in the way we treat others." ~ Beverly Naidoo

We have been having fascinating discussions in my university class about truth, reconciliation and memory. Today we added innocence into that dialogue. As I wade through thousands of pages regarding the atrocities of Apartheid, a voice keeps asking, "How could one human being do this to another?"

I am currently reading Naidoo's collection of short stories for young adults and each one reveals a little of this truth above. We are who we are by how we treat others. We cannot act individually and not have consequences.

How do you treat people and how does this define you?

Peace,

Suzanne

Ascending Love

"God has gone up with a shout,
the Lord with the sound of a trumpet."
~ Psalm 47

I went to a confirmation of the daughter of friends today. It was a delightful celebration that reminded me of my own confirmation as it happened at the church I went to as a child. The archbishop was fabulous, teaching and preaching in an easy and yet challenging way. He had us laughing at our humanity and considering his deep words about living a life of faith at the same time.

Each of the children have now received the gifts of the Holy Spirit in a new way. We were reminded that next week is Pentecost and that we will be celebrating the coming of the Holy Spirit once again. In the Gospel today, Jesus opened the minds and hearts of the disciples to understand the Scriptures and to be prepared to what was coming in this great Gift. The response of the disciples was great joy as they worshiped him and the wonder of being able to continually bless God.

What role does the Holy Spirit play in your life as we approach this special feast day?

Peace,

Suzanne

Mother's Day Musings

"Our lives make no sense if we are not helping others." ~ Muuxi, in The Lucky Ones, African Refugees' Stories of Extraordinary Courage, AnneMahon

In less than half an hour, it is Mother's Day. I have spent a good chunk of this day reading Mother to Mother by Sindiwe Magona, a novel in which a Black South African mother tries to explain why her son was involved in the murder of a White American. Inspired by the story of Amy Biehl's murder in a South African township, Magona paints the story of oppression and frustration that the South African family faced. It is a good time to read it as we near the celebration of mothers. We see how Mandisa tries to explain the circumstances that led to the fateful reaction as she narrates the story of her own childhood, the birth of Mxolisi, the horrors that they lived, and the outcome of such violence and oppression. She appeals to the American mother in this book and opens the reader's eyes to a side of the crime not considered by most. We are drawn into her tale and burdened by it, as if watching our own son commit the crime.

Mother's Day is often a difficult "celebration" for many people. Even tonight, en route to prison, I asked the two other volunteers that I drove out with if they had plans, as mothers, for tomorrow. I could feel the tension rise in the car. So much struggle. So much pain. I almost wanted to withdraw my question. How many of the men we were going to minister to were thinking of the pain that they had caused their mothers? How many were thinking of their wives who celebrated their day without their husbands?

My own mother is often hugely disappointed in her children. I have struggled most of my life with not being enough--good enough, smart enough, independent enough--because of my mother. I have learned over the years to let go of some of that but I still recognize it when it appears in my life, although somewhat belatedly. Mother's Day should be a day where no mother and no child has expectations, good or bad. It should be a day just to gather and recognize that mothering is no easy task. If we could do that without any judgment, then maybe there would be reason to celebrate.

Peace,

Suzanne

Deep in the Land

"The afterbirths of our children are deep in this ground. So are the foreskins of our boys and the bleached bones of our long dead." ~Sindiwe Magona

One of the cultural values that I am noticing in my readings is how the land and ancestors are deeply connected. I can see that the land is linked to the soul of the South Africans. Family is important. Ancestors have a role in the life of the South African. I am struck by this value and how apartheid used it to oppress the South African people. There were disappearances,forced removals that did not allow for families to take treasured objects, mutilation of bodies, and other horrific details that stripped away the human heart.

What do you value and why?

Peace,

Suzanne

Sing for Freedom

“Throughout the struggle, there was music.“ ~ From Amandla, A Revolution in Four-Part Harmony

This dvd was enlightening tonight as to the role of freedom music and dance during the years of oppression and apartheid in South Africa. The activists and musicians tell their tales of journeying through song and the importance of music in keeping their spirits free. I was inspired by these stories and the dvd is well done, showing the major events of apartheid and how music influenced people's response.

Singing or dancing when you need to rise against something is a good practice. Have you ever tried it?

Peace,

Suzanne

Beyond Expectations

"We should never limit our expectations to the boundaries of what we already know." ~ Anne Mahon

I have had a glorious day from start to end. I went to Anne's book launch of The Lucky Ones: African Refugees' Stories of Extraordinary Courage and celebrated her success. It was a real pleasure to see Anne surrounded with such support and praise.

I think we should never limit our expectations to the what we already know. Each day is an opportunity to learn and grow.

peace,

Suzanne

Inner Demons

"There is a beast in each of us, and none of us can ever say we would never be guilty of such evil." ~ Desmond Tutu

Back to reading at a never-ending pace tonight, I came across this quote and it stopped me for a few minutes. We all would like to say that we are not capable of doing an act of evil but we can be. I remember an event that brought out the mother bear in me and I saw this potential arise within me. I have never forgotten the rage and urge to protect that I felt. It is a humbling thing.

However, I do not think I could repeat the act many times. I doubt that violence could bring me joy or pleasure. Reading the victim and perpetrator stories of apartheid is draining emotionally. I am surprised, but grateful that I am not having endless nightmares since the last thing I do is read. Perhaps the balance of also doing the Examen and Voskamp's Joy Dare balance out the emotions.

Do not feed the beast. Acknowledge it and keep a watchful eye on it. Starving it might defeat it. Look instead at what will nourish hope and love.

peace,

Suzanne

Failures

"Lord, make me a means of Your peace." ~ Closing song tonight at mass

I went to church angry tonight and God surprised me with an out-of-town friend who presided at the mass. I relaxed somewhat into the celebration though my distraction was annoying. The Gospel reading spoke of love but all I could do was still seethe from an email that I had received. Peace I leave with you was the also the gospel message. Really? I was not reassured. God is persistent though and I listened to the final song and prayed it but my heart was somehow not in it. Sometimes we just have to fail at loving and being a sign of peace in this world. Feels pretty yucky when that happens.

Peace...anyway.

Suzanne

Freedom in Friendship

“Friendship - my definition - is built on two things. Respect and trust. Both elements have to be there. And it has to be mutual. You can have respect for someone, but if you don't have trust, the friendship will crumble.” ~ Stieg Larsson, The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo

I have amazing friends and I realize that the wondrous element in the relationship is that there is mutual love, respect and trust. This allows us to have moments of complete freedom and silliness, of deep vulnerability and honesty, of wonder and joy. I love being able to be free of judgment and feeling judged.

Who in your life do you respect and trust?

Peace,

Suzanne

Soul Longing

“Prayer is not asking. It is a longing of the soul. It is daily admission of one's weakness. It is better in prayer to have a heart without words than words without a heart.” ~ Mahatma Gandhi

Taize prayer invokes in me the memory of being in France, before the icon, praying fervently. As I sat before the icon tonight, my heart finally rested after a long and frustrating day. Too much is going on in my life and I find it hard to find stillness at the moment. I am sleeping a very solid six hours and then awakening, probably due to a belief that I do not have enough hours in the day. The challenge is keeping up the pace. I hope to sleep in tomorrow if I can. I need to send my core being the message it can rest well.

I seem to have a shopping list for prayer lately but I cannot stop the hunger for God above all. I want so much to be faithful in all that is unfolding but some days I think I just cannot keep up with sorting through all that is. The saving grace as always is that my God is One who is merciful. If I bring a heart that is true and open, God will move within me and all shall be well.

I pray that my heart will be wordless when it needs to listen and that God will know the longing of my soul.

Peace,

Suzanne

Indifference

"Indifference is camouflaged by self-interest." ~ Romeo Dallaire

An evening entitled "Indifference and the Fragility of Civilization" occurred at one of the local synagogues tonight. I debated whether or not to go as I have been so busy and feeling tired. I had heard Romeo Dallaire before and I knew I would not be disappointed, plus I was curious about Fr. Patrick Desbois whose specialty is Catholic-Jewish relationships. I am glad that I gave up an evening of reading to go and listen.

The woman who introduced the two speakers and the moderator called them heroes, righteous ones and pillars of the universe. That alone was precious to me. I feel so small in the context of these amazing agents of change.

The moderator set the tone for the evening with her opening statements. Dehumanization leads to indifference. Without a sense of compassion, we lack action and the infamous bystander effect rules. What was interesting to me was the idea, though not new, that indifference is not a passive position but a friend of the oppressor. Not to respond to the victim exiles them from humanity and with that the moderator introduced the two guests who have helped to restore humanity.

Fr. Patrick Desbois became interested in understanding indifference because of his grandfather who was a prisoner during World War II. He told the young boy that he was a prisoner but that the others had it worse. Desbois was to discover later that the others were Jews. He would eventually travel to the Ukraine and begin to interview people who were children when the massacres happened to see what they remembered. Desbois spoke of tales of every village having a person who would go ahead and seek out a place for the mass graves days before the army arrived to execute all of the Jews. He painted the image of the mass graves, and told a heartbreaking story of a young school girl whose job it was to walk on the bodies after they had been shot so that they would be compacted. Now an adult, she remembers, and tells Desbois the story of looking up, and seeing the next wave of victims who were her Jewish classmates.

Dallaire's stories are near to my heart having spent time in Rwanda and Burundi. I have heard him speak several times now and still he manages to work his way into my soul. He begins with a powerful question: why do we let human beings be destroyed? Without mincing of words, he is clear as to where he will take us. His role in the genocide is well known through the movie Hotel Rwanda; he is the real life commander of the Canadian forces that stayed, abandoned by the rest of the world. Calling the Tutsis cockroaches made it easy to destroy them. Extremists groups via the media, dehumanized a group of people, in order to expedite the mass killings.

Dallaire does not cushion his words: The American people will not intervene unless it is in their own best self-interest; they made a deliberate decision to not act. Inaction is action. Clearly some human beings are more important than others but what exactly are the criteria that determine the pecking order? Are all human beings human or not? Is there a responsibility to protect or not?

He remembers how the ex-pats crowded on to the planes leaving the country with their African artifacts, bulging suitcases, and even their dogs, but did not consider for a moment the Rwandans they were abandoning, the people who had been their friends and colleagues, who had helped raise their children in cases. Rwanda has no gold, diamonds, oil, or other interests in the world market. The only thing that was left, Dallaire says, was humans, and that did not carry the day. There was nothing to gain by anyone and so the humans were left to fend on their own. When asked why he was staying, he knew it was because if he could protect even one Tutsi, it would be worth it. Witnesses needed to remain so that the world would know what happened.

When asked how we move from being an indifferent bystander to being an upstander, each man took a moment to be optimistic. Dallaire believes that the next generation is without borders due to technology and encourages young people to get dirt on their boots from a developing country. Desbois suggests that we name the new disease. He chose to tell a story of how during a presentation that he said, "Anyone can be a victim; everyone can be a killer." A man in the audience protested. Desbois responded with, "Good for you, but me, I am not so sure." We can all be complicit. We all can wear both hats at any time. Another woman told him that she could not sleep after his talk. He was honest: "That's good. It is the beginning of consciousness." With consciousness, indifference can be rooted out.

What will your role be the next time you observe injustice? Will you be indifferent or will you be moved to action?

Peace,

Suzanne

Ready to Forgive

"The victims of injustice and oppression must ever be ready to forgive. That is a gospel imperative." ~ Desmond Tutu

Tutu heard testimonies during the South African Truth and Reconciliation Commission that must have made his heart stop beating at various points. Yet, here he says victims must ever be ready to forgive. I have yet to re-read his book but I am curious what the living out of this imperative looks like.

When I was training trainers in Burundi on working with the bereaved populations there, a man asked me, "How am I supposed to forgive the man who killed my daughter? Am I just supposed to forget what he did?" I could hear the pain and intensity of emotions in his voice and see the agony etched into his face. The silence in the room was like a loud gong, awaiting my response. No staff was there with me and I hesitated because I did not know the "party line" so to speak. The incredible weight of the potential to wound with the words that came out of my mouth was tangible. No response would have been equally as disrespectful.

Not forgiving, I heard myself say, keeps you the prisoner. If you want freedom, you must let go of all that poison. I was not sure what the staff would teach but as an intern I can only share my own experience. Forgiving may not always set free the forgiven but it does grant the forgiver grace to move on.

As for forgetting, I continued, I do not condone that. My rationale was that if I forget I dishonour myself (or the other victim in this man's case) and I leave myself open to be wounded in the same way again in the future. I am not a doormat who people can walk over. I am a strong woman who must learn from the challenging lessons of life but not harbour resentment and anger because I hurt my own spirit by doing so. I also thought that forgiveness and reconciliation were two different outcomes. This man did not have to have tea with the murderer. He did not have to restore a relationship with him but if he could move towards forgiveness that would be prudent. About this time, I was inwardly panicking, wondering what one of the wise staff would have said. I did not stop though.

I believe that as Christians we are called to forgive too soon. I have been hurt in life. I have been betrayed in ways that I never expected to be. I shared the story of getting stuck in my anger and feeling the rage bubble deeper inside my soul until I was scared of it. I asked my spiritual director at the time when would I know that holding on to all those negative emotions had to stop. He looked into my eyes and assured me that I would know when it was time to let go and that I should not hurry. He was an African American priest who had probably experienced his share of being confronted with forgiveness.

On the flip side, I have stood in the need of forgiveness of my own bad behaviour. That is not an easy place either. Humbling at its best and destructive at its worst, the need to be forgiven is often where I end up when I am trying to decide if I should forgive. I do not wish to hold that kind of power over another human being. I am not God and I cannot judge a heart, nor do I want mine judged by someone who does not comprehend my actions.

One of the most difficult people to forgive has been myself. I am sure you have been there too. When I was in Burundi, I met a woman from Congo who struggled to forgive herself for being raped three times in life. More recently, I spoke with one of the inmates at the federal penitentiary here and I asked if he had ever forgiven himself for the violent crime he had committed. He said he never would, nor should he. I begged to differ. I am not sure I convinced him, but at some point in life, we all need to stand in a place of grace, knowing that we do not deserve mercy. I think that is what Tutu means. None of us are innocent. We are all guilty to varying degrees.

I am ever grateful for those beings in my life who forgive me my transgressions and a God who loves me unconditionally. The movement must be towards greater freedom for myself and for the perpetrators of small and large infractions. The journey is not easy--forgiveness is a process, not a one time event, precisely because we cannot forget. Twenty years after my sister was misdiagnosed by a doctor, I still think about him and wonder if he knows I have forgiven him. I know that says something about me too and where I actually might be with that process. I chose not to hang on to the pain of his error and it has taken me down a different path than if I had not.

The readings for my course on truth and reconciliations will heal me and enlighten me on my way. I pray that you too may move towards greater wholeness as you stand in need of forgiving someone or of being forgiven.

Peace,

Suzanne

Half-Truths

“There can be no story without the balance of the antagonist.” ~ Antjie Krog, Country of my Skull

I have been reading about truth, reconciliation, forgiveness, and memory as I prepare for my trip to South Africa. The stories that emerge are painful ones of incredible violence. At the same time, as I said in class last night, I cannot help but think truth has more than one story to tell and today Krog stated the same thought in the above quote.

A friend of mine was an interpreter for the United Nations High Commission for Refugees’ investigation into the Rwandan genocide. Originally hired by one side, when the funds ran out, he became available and the other side snatched him up. A survivor himself, he was able to hear both sides of the “truth” and found himself bewildered. How could both perspectives hold such different facets and yet be true?

Even in our own personal lives when we argue with people, we cannot see past our own interpretation of the precipitating event to see that the antagonist might have a different understanding of what happened. How can there be one truth when there is more than one person involved? We know our own truth, but we may not have the full story so do we indeed have a true story or is it only a half story?

I have so much to ponder these days as I prepare.

Peace,

Suzanne

Blessed Blessing

"Use me today, and let me become the gift back to You through the work before me. In thanks for all your gifts, make me a gift, because becoming the blessing is what deeply blesses. Enter into me, even me, and use my life to be Your love." ~ Ann VosKamp

I read this prayer just before I left the house this morning. It stopped me because I needed so desperately to hear it. Enter into me, even me, and use me. Even me...Your unworthy, tired servant. If you can use me, surely you can use anyone. It is not a false humility, but a weariness that sees my weaknesses these days. I see my gifts too and am so very grateful for them. I stand in awe that you bless me as I become the blessing. I return it all to You.

Peace,

Suzanne

Three Words

“I give you a new commandment, that you love one another.” ~ Jesus in the Gospel of John 13

The readings today are poetic—Revelation and John, quite a duo. John sees a new heaven and a new earth. Jesus gives us a new commandment. He repeats it three times, in different ways, as if to try to let it sink through our thick skulls. So simple really: love one another.

Who am I kidding? Loving someone is quite the challenge. As I read Mandela’s Long Walk to Freedom as I lounged in bed this morning, I cried when I came to the part that the authorities would not let him go to his mother’s or son’s funeral. How could they hate him and what he stood for so much that they denied this basic need? Fear destroys love and there is no room for a new heaven or earth when fear rules.

Loving someone unconditionally is complicated. I have many relationships where I have reached that place and I get over hurts quickly or even overlook them because in the long haul, they are trivial. Other relationships are more complicated and loving someone is less easy. Jesus places this three word commandment in front of us and gives us this insane example to follow. How can we possibly compete with that? Sure, I can lay down my life for some people. Other times I wonder, how many times must I let someone hurt me before I say enough is enough? This loving thing is not easy. Not at home, not within myself for myself, not at work, not in community, and certainly not in the wider world. Simple? No. That said, we still must act in good faith and try to do the loving thing whenever possible.

When was the last time you could not love someone you should have?

Peace,

Suzanne

Chasing The One God

"What you are searching for and chasing after reveals the god that is winning the war in your heart." ~ Kyle Idleman

Where is my heart these days? I am spending hours retracing the roots and footprints of apartheid as I prepare for the course that starts on Monday. I have read two-thirds of Mandela's Long Walk to Freedom, half of Albie Sachs' memoir, a good chunk of a book on Truth and Reconciliation Commissions, and a number of other things. My heart is with this nation that still struggles with freedom.

My heart too is remembering my desire to serve God and to put God first in my life. I think I have been unfaithful in this regard. God slips down a space or two on my list, replaced by things that cannot satisfy me, though they distract me much too well before I awaken to the fact that I have fallen off the cliff. This week has been a reminder that my eyes are not always on the One who loves me. They are sometimes on shiny but empty promises that disappoint and leave me longing.

I had a crazy day, waking up feeling hurt and angry from a conversation with a friend the night before. I slipped into an unhealthy space of feeling used and abused. It is never a good outcome when that happens and yet, I think the healthy acknowledgement of boundaries was a necessary lesson. I was on retreat this morning, still brewing about the argument and distracted by my need to do some work for Monday's class that only had a brief time to occur. I left the retreat to go to the university library, parked and took longer than I hoped. As I walked back to my car, my heart stopped. Crap! Where IS my car? My heart sank. I went into the fast food restaurant in front of where I had parked and asked about what company tows the car. The sympathetic server gave me the number and acknowledged that yes, I had been towed.

I could feel my frustration rising. The temptation not to return to the retreat at this point was high but I refused to give into the negative thoughts and emotions stirred up within me. I drove back to my parish and settled briefly into the remaining prayer time before gathering with the group. One of the women asked when I was leaving for South Africa. When I told her, she said they should pray for me. I welcomed that. Darkness cannot hold back the Light in my life for too long.

I am still feeling a bit grumpy as I settle in for the evening but I hope that can shift in the next hour or so. I am so very blessed and I chase after THE God who is merciful and slow to judge.

Peace,

Suzanne

Dragon Slayers

“The dragon sits by the side of the road, watching those who pass. Beware lest he devour you. We go to the Father of Souls, but it is necessary to pass by the dragon.” ~ St. Cyril of Jerusalem

In a small group that I am involved with we did a session of angels and dragons based on this quote. Each of us drew a road and placed upon it the angels and dragons that were there to bless us or try to devour us. I had several angels on the road, drawn in a lovely purple colour. The dragons were fear, distractions and unworthiness. I need to do some slaying soon for some of these creatures. I need them gone from the path that lies ahead.

Peace,

Suzanne

Not Me, But You

“Act as if everything depended on you; trust as if everything depended on God.”
~ St. Ignatius of Loyola

I am tired lately. My schedule is very full and I have not been feeling great lately. I seem to wake up at the same time every morning, half an hour prior to my alarm going off. I gave a talk tonight at my church on a topic I had not yet presented on and was feeling not as confident as I would have like to have been. I ended up nailing it. I was funny and compelling. I really felt God take over at one point. I knew I just had to get out of the way. One of the organizers of the event said from now on I would be giving that talk. I felt quite humbled because I dragged myself to show up, had several moments of doubt as I waited for the start time, went into the chapel to pray for a few minutes to try to centre myself and give my anxiety over to God, and relied less on my notes than I thought I would once I got underway.

I had to act as if everything depended on me but trusted that God would take care of these people's souls. Mid-way through I realized that God had it--God had the talk, he had their hearts, he had my weariness, and all would be well. I felt suspended in space, watching the evening unfold perfectly, despite feeling like an unworthy servant. In fact, I seemed so relaxed and, interestingly enough, funny, that I wondered who had taken possession of my body. Everything depends on God and when we surrender our service up, God shows up.

Thanks to God for taking care of us and doing more than we can ask or imagine.

Peace,

Suzanne

Surprised by Love

In every truth there is something more than we would have expected, in the love that we receive there is always an element that surprises us.” ~ Pope Benedict XVI

I have been taking this class on creating your arts career and have found it one of the most energetic courses I have ever taken, filled with amazing, talented people. Tonight we threw the instructor a surprise birthday party. What was amazing is that she began the class by gifting several of us who had been involved in some way in making the class a success. She had no idea that she would soon be the recipient of several gifts herself. I was one of the recipients of her book and cd and I was totally surprised. I really had not expected it but welcomed the love and respect that came with her generosity.

To say that our instructor was surprised by the outpouring of admiration and gratitude for all she has given us would be an understatement. We had staged the surprise perfectly. She was blown away at the never-ending gifts that came her way. It was an event of beauty and grace. Being surprised by love is a wonder to behold.

Peace,

Suzanne

Re-Viewing

"She who re-views her blessings, re-views herself — sees herself as beheld by her Beloved." ~ Ann Voskamp

If we can look again, re-view our day, and be blessed by it, we are wise. We see where God stopped by and when we noticed. We see where the Light brightened our day, bringing unspeakable joy. We pause with sadness to see the missed opportunity to welcome that Light at a moment when we should have. We learn a bit more about who we are and why we do what we do. The Examen is a great blessing in my life because the constant re-viewing of my day leads to great reflection and calls me to more grace.

I see how I am indeed beheld by my Beloved and my heart is overwhelmed with gratitude.

Look at your day. See it with God's eyes. View it again. Re-view and rejoice. We are loved by the Beloved.

Peace,

Suzanne

The Voice

"My sheep hear my voice. I know them and they follow me." ~ Jesus in the Gospel of John, Chapter 10

What is in a voice that evokes such reactions? Voices can make us cringe. Our hearts can skip a beat when we hear the voice of one we love. In today's Gospel, Jesus assures us that no one can snatch from His hand His beloved sheep.

We listen all day to sounds, unless we are deaf. We filter out noise, bask in the beauty of the sounds we adore, and constantly make decisions about what we are hearing. Do we do this on a spiritual level too? Do we listen for the voice of the Good Shepherd who will not lead us astray when competing calls attempt to draw us away from Him? When all is said and done after the Boston bombings, will these two young men understand that they were not listening to the voice of God to carry out this act of terror and destruction? Listening to the Creator's voice, the Good Shepherd's voice, can be a challenge for most of us and we often think what we hear comes from the Holy One, but sometimes the outcome proves differently.

I think we are blessed indeed to be able to recognize the voice of the Caller, who leads us to Life. I know that the din of the Evil one can distract us away from our calling. We are all listening to something but we do not always adjust or change the channel when the things get distorted.

When do you actively listen to the Voice that is calling you to follow? Why do you shut it out some days?

Peace,

Suzanne

Death by Satisfaction OD

"There are some days when I think I am going to die from an overdose of satisfaction." ~Salvador Dali

I have written here before about the doors that have been opening in my life for the past several months. Today another opportunity arose and I walked through it. I really should not have because it was a 12-hour effort and my to-do list is long this weekend but at the same time, I am so grateful I did. I was invited out of town to see an artist's outdoor gallery with a number of other visual artists and then join them for supper at an amazing home for a healthy supper.

I drove out after a reflexology appointment that went well. During the drive, I had an hour to think about a few things going on in my life before meeting up with the others. As I walked around the gallery, I was aware of my gratitude for this opportunity. As we gathered at the other home for supper, I discovered a blessing for future--a little retreat space that would be perfect to sleep, write, dream, and be at. I could see myself there quite easily and joyfully.

There is a whole other way of living that artists carve out for ourselves that I am learning to embrace. The door opens to a myriad of mazes and I must choose which halls to walk down but I sense that each of them have a number of comfortable rooms along the way.

Grateful tonight as I head to bed.

Peace,

Suzanne

Where God Shows Up

"Discernment is the art of paying attention to God, in all the places God might show up." ~ Leah Perrault in Theology of the Body for Every Body

When was the last time you paid attention to God? Where were you at the time? Who else was present? You may be trying to conjur up a conversation during the last Eucharist or worship service you were at, but that is not what I am asking really. God is present to us in every moment, in all things, in each person, at all times, and in in all creation. Do we really comprehend what that means to us on a daily basis?

Today I organized the staff Wellness Day. A number of times, as I reflect back on the day, I paid attention. Right off the hop, we had a major glitch and I realized that my conflict resolution skills and good discernment were gifts. I dealt with the issue swiftly and confidently while I restored the positive energy. That done, the second major curve ball of the day was thrown. I caught it nicely and circumvented a tiny crisis. The rest of the day went smoothly and everyone found their way to wellness, including myself.

Paying attention to the movements of the Spirit in a day does change things. I need to do this more often. Sometimes I see where God was only at the end of a insanely busy day when I do my Examen. One would think by now that I might have mastered this listening skill. Alas! Not quite yet. I am still a novice in work-related situations.

Other times though, when I can sit and watch the sun set on a beach where the waves crash against the shore, my breath is taken away by how gloriously God has shown up. Those moments are the easy ones. Today though I caught my self being grateful for several dialogues with co-workers which left me happily wondering, when did this come to be, this relationship between us? As the massage therapist worked on my aching body, I know that God showed up in the gift of his hands. God arrived a long time ago in the producer of a movie which still inspires people in its stories. Today watching it with a group of educators this time, the bullying story made me cry as it had never done before. I could feel the room charged with the onerous responsibility we have in keeping our children safe and sane.

God shows up in the loving embrace of a dear friend, in the joy of seeing someone succeed because you opened a door for them, and in providing magical opportunities for others. In the moments when we quiet ourselves, we will discern that God has shown up. Remember at that time to give thanks for all that was and is.

Peace,

Suzanne

Thankful

"Be thankful for what you have; you'll end up having more. If you concentrate on what you don't have, you will never, ever have enough."
 ~ Oprah Winfrey

I have been thinking about abundance lately even though I have felt like there was not enough finances to go with all the changes I am making in my life. As I have written before, I had a realization recently that I did not need more, I just needed enough. Today I lived into that knowledge in a more powerful and loving way. God's grace is sufficient and I have enough. It goes with another mantra that has been a few years in the making: I am enough. The gifts I have to offer this world are all I need. I am grateful for those who recognize my role in this world and help me live it out. That is such a blessing!

Can you trust in Providence? Throw all your cares on the shoulders of the One who is big enough to handle them and you will discover a power there that you never dreamed of.

Peace (and much gratitude),

Suzanne

Gifts Prepared and Presented

"Prepared gifts cannot serve their purpose unless they are presented gifts." ~ Priscilla Shirer

I am tired lately. I have been busy and burning the midnight oil. It is not a good combination. I have something on almost every night this week. I still struggle with the divine line of presenting my gifts so that they may serve their purpose and caring for the temple that holds these gifts. This post will be short because tonight I am going to opt for caring for the temple.

Tonight I was at a meeting that is examining prison ministry in Manitoba and I was giving the information about the various aspects of this work that my parish offers. The discussions were good. Why do I do the work that I do? What calls me or draws me to it? What gifts does one need for prison ministry? Where this committee goes may be very exciting news for those who do this volunteer and paid work. The benefits I suspect will extend to the inmates and those who work in the institutions. Who knows what the gifts presented are preparing!

When was the last time you presented your gifts in service?

Peace,

Suzanne

A New World Longing

"We are united in grief because we long for a world where peace and joy reign." ~ my Facebook post on my timeline tonight

I was cranky on the way home from work tonight. I had not yet heard the devastating news of the bomb attacks in Boston. As I prepared to do my examen for the day, I realized that my earlier crabbiness had come upon me for some unknown reason and had stayed with me, sucking the joy out of my life. If this had been my last moment, I would have died miserable. I don't even know why I was so out of sorts really--I do know the clerk at the grocery store was sarcastic about my having failed to swipe my air miles card properly and made a comment that irritated me. That was my first inkling I was in a bad mood. I am rarely in a bad mood and often don't know what to do with myself when I am. Meanwhile people had died in Boston, some had been seriously injured, and once again we hold our breath as we wait to see who has done this terrible deed and why on earth anyone would think up such an act.

Our hearts are not made for evil. I believe that in my deepest being. We are made for love. Oftentimes in life that is stolen from us at a young age, and yet some of us remain resilient, even if we are not unscathed. We choose the way of Love for a world so in need of healing, mercy and forgiveness. Why do some of us choose that way, while others stand for destruction, hatred, and horror?

I still choose joy. I sit here, reflecting back upon my day for today's dare: a gift in a bag, in a box and in a book. Three gifts a day will lead to over a thousand in a year and I shall be even more transformed into a being of Joy. Bagging my own groceries shifted my awareness of my grumpiness to a place of peace. A colleague dragged me to her office and hijacked my plans for the afternoon by insisting that she feed me Smarties for helping her. She knows I rarely say no to chocolate and really, aren't relationships more important than most things we do at work? Always, Ann Voskamp has a word for me and I am so grateful for stumbling across her blog by no accident, and for reading her book and devotional. Tonight I found solace in her words on the origin of joy. Such a wonderful image that it is linked to the word Eucharist.

Tonight I lift up all those affected by the Boston bombings--those of the dead, the injured, the innocent bystanders, the runners, the perpetrators and their families, and those awaiting news of family and friends. The voices raised in prayer once again prevail upon a new world longing, one in which peace, joy, and mercy live. May that day come when all the tears are wiped away.

Peace,

Suzanne

No Backwards Living

"Jesus said to them, 'Children, you have no fish, have you?'"~ Gospel of John

Today's Gospel is jam-packed full of meaning and challenges. Jesus appears once again to the disciples, this time meeting them as Simon Peter is attempting to live his life backwards. The Messiah did not do as was hoped, and so Peter was going back to life as he knew it before meeting Christ. He hopped in a boat and fished through the night. The result? He caught absolutely nothing.

What do we do when we are disappointed? Seeking comfort in some places leads to further disappointments. We are creatures of habit at times, and yet Christ calls us to so much more. At those moments do we hear the tender voice asking us, "Children, you have no fish, no satisfaction, in this futile seeking, have you?" We cannot go back to life as we knew it after knowing Christ. We will not have enough fish for our solo efforts. Yet with one word from Jesus, one correction--do it this way, cast the net here--there is more than enough, more, in fact, than we can ever imagine.

I watched fishermen in Bucerias one night bringing in a net of fish. The task was not easy and a crowd gathered to watch. The fishermen knew what they were doing and worked together to haul in the nets. I stood there watching and remembered this Gospel story. We are part of a community and we are to catch people by how we live our lives. We draw them in by being bright lights, by sparkling like the water we were immersed in on our baptismal day. Do we shine with joy, peace or hope for others? Do we catch enough fish in a day? Or do we simply cast the net half-heartedly and without being mindful? When we keep our eyes on the Lord, we recognize the signs of His presence faster, and like Peter we can jump into the water, without a care for our looks and forgetting that we have betrayed the Great Giver, because despite our inability to remain faithful, Jesus does. What a glorious Saviour we have!

We do not get off easily though as we see in the final exchange in this Gospel. Jesus looks into the eyes of the disciple who denied him, not once, but three times, for one of the first time since the cock crowed. What courage it took for Peter to respond three times with the affirmative answer that he loved Jesus to counterbalance his earlier denials. How often we are called to re-evaluate our lives and decisions and to stand in the Light and agree that we still love Jesus, even if on the surface, we appear to have lost sight of that.

Jesus has shown them once again that to follow him means a life of service. He has a meal of bread and fish awaiting these hardworking fishermen and now he reminds Peter that he must do the same by feeding His sheep. He warns him that this life will lead to suffering. The cost of loving is pain. Some days the journey of loving service seems beyond our capabilities. Jesus still bids us in the final words today to follow Him.

Will you?

Peace,

Suzanne

Freedom for All

"We were not fighting to free someone else, we were in fact fighting for ourselves, we were struggling for our own rights, the right to be free citizens of a free country, that was the answer, and the only way we could achieve our own true freedom was by helping to destroy the system of white domination that as crushing the whole country and denying us all our humanity, black and white." ~ Albie Sachs in Soft Vengeance of a Freedom Fighter

Albie Sachs walked into the room with a dozen or so people and the bright camera lights humbly and yet at ease. He sat in his assigned chair and APTN interviewed him for twenty minutes or so. The journalist asked if he had any final words, and his response was simply, "Do you think I might have a cup of coffee?" His casual sense of humour peeked through at that moment after the intensity of the interview. He joined us at the table at that point to begin his discussion with those of us who were traveling to South Africa in a few months.

As he settled into the chair across from me, I realized I already had quite a bit of admiration for this man, having gotten half way through his book, Soft Vengeance. I studied his face, fascinated by the scars there. One long one splashed across his face and a myriad of marks from the shrapnel that hit his body when the car bomb exploded. I am a tactile person and for some reason I had a deep longing to reach out and touch his face, perhaps in a moment of healing, or of a moment of wanting to be healed. I am not sure that there is a separation in that, but rather a combination of the two. He speaks of his body and the journey after the bomb with such brutal honesty. Most of us never arrive at a place of seemingly loving such a wounded body and yet, here is this man who appears to.

Within minutes he has begun to tell us that those in the human rights movement must keep a certain amount of vitality in life. All I can think of are the portions of his book where it is clear that he is overjoyed to be alive. He speaks of his work regarding same sex marriage in South Africa and how doing away with the word marriage for everyone would have created an equality of the graveyard and what he wanted to create was an equality of the vineyard. I am aware that I find his ideas fascinating and am enthralled by his articulate nature. This man is not a saint but his spirit is compelling. He has my attention and I believe in his words and how I am called to be a better human.

We could have kept him there for hours. I had a number of questions--or perhaps more accurately comments of affirmation for what I had been reading in his book. I wanted to sit and learn from this man to be less judgmental, more compassionate, and more vulnerable.

I believe I am called to engage in the goal of freedom for all. This week has been a difficult one for me in the Deaf Community. Sometimes on the time line I think we take steps backwards by decades instead of forward in baby steps. This week had a few moments like that and I find myself tired in the struggle. Moments of such deep oppression and ignorance that leave me speechless wear away at my soul. I cannot fathom how people do not see how hurtful they are being with their actions or comments. Sachs is on the mark with the thinking in his quote. None of us are truly free while some of us remain chained and treated unfairly.

Peace,

Suzanne