My Grandma, What a Big Heart You Have!

We should all have one person who knows how to bless us despite the evidence, Grandmother was that person to me. ~Phyllis Theroux


Interesting that today will be my 60th blog posting and the last day to write about matters of the heart and that I would choose to honour my grandmother with this entry. She should be remembered in a special way and this seems fitting.

Yesterday, had she survived, Gram would have been 101. However, she did not even want to wait around for her 95th birthday. She was tired and wanted to go Home. Who could really blame her? All of us grieved to think about not having her in our lives anymore but we knew she was ready. She would get so angry if we hinted at having a 95th birthday party for her.

I have marvelous memories of treks to BC to spend time with my mother’s family throughout my childhood. As an adult I continued the sojourn, often on a biennial basis. Gram was a remarkable woman. Grandpa died 34 years into their marriage and Gram never remarried. She seemed content all those years on her own, surrounding herself with her children and grandchildren, other family members, and friends.

She did know how to bless us all, despite the evidence at times. She remembered birthdays and special events when no one else did. When I graduated from my interpreter training program, she was the only family member that recognized it by sending a card and words of affirmation. She loved all of her kids and grandkids and would tell stories about us with such pride.

I could not get enough of her stories. She was insightful and hilarious. She could get a room full of people laughing in no time. Sometimes, though, a very serious side of her would come out. She would recall the hard times and you could feel the pain in her words. I am sure there were many situations that I never heard about. Raising a disabled child in an era where there were little social supports in place was challenging but she loved her youngest daughter just as much as her other children.

I can see her even now, sitting in her chair in her apartment, praying. She was such a woman of faith. I swear I inherited that from her. She had rock solid despite having a right to rail against a God who threw some curve balls her way in life. I arrived one morning to find her having a mini stroke but not wanting to go to the hospital since I had just flown into town. The aftermath of the strokes and such left her “tight” as she would call it and in pain. In many ways, prayer was what she could still do best and I knew we were blessed to have such a woman interceding for all of us.

I ticked her off one day when I did not let on that the family was throwing her a big surprise birthday party. She was so mad at me—for all of an hour or so. Gram loved to party and her family loved to honour her in that regard. I have fond memories of going out with her and her sisters. They were such fun together. I felt as if I had stepped back in time and was really blessed at sharing sister time with them.

Once when we thought the end was near, Mom and I flew out and visited her in the hospital while she was in a coma. I was there one day with my cousin and uncle who were playing crib to pass the time. I decided to do the daily readings out loud. Well, if I did not see her mouth open and close when I got to the point where the people say Amen. I glanced at my cousin and uncle who had not noticed and continued reading. After awhile, she opened her eyes. She then said a single letter...or so I thought….it was a single word actually: Pee! She had to pee. These were the first words out of her mouth after being “gone” for days. Gram was back and gave us a story that would cause us to laugh in the days ahead.

I was not there in the final days but I heard from family that staff would find a peacefulness in her room and so would just go and be with her. On that last day, she kept throwing her arms open as if to hug someone and then quickly close them. In her final moment, surrounded by her loving family, she threw them wide open. Whoever she had been waiting for had arrived. She surrendered completely to that Being and drew her final breath.

I love that story. After ninety-four years on earth, she had many people to welcome her Home but she waited patiently for the One who came for her. I will never know exactly who that was but I have my suspicions. Gram who loved us tremendously and unconditionally was loved so much by all of us. We miss her terribly. Some days I wish I could just get her advice on something. She always had such an interesting perspective. I look forward to the day of throwing open my arms to hug her once again.

Peace,

Suzanne

How Much Does God Love You?

Do not worry about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? Look at the birds of the air; they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? ~ Matthew 6:25-26

This is part of today’s Gospel reading. It is one of my favourites. As a Catholic, I was baptized as an infant. My first memory of falling in love with God happened in Grade 1. Back then, Scripture reading was allowed in school. I sat mesmerized to the Hebrew Scripture readings of Genesis. Something deep inside me was moved as I watched characters like Adam and Eve and Noah and his family interact with a very personal God.

I read Scripture daily for strength, courage, and insight. I know that when I struggle or become fearful it is easy to worry. A prayer that is said in every mass is “Deliver us, Lord, from every evil, and grant us peace in our day. In your mercy keep us free from sin and protect us from all anxiety as we wait in joyful hope for the coming of our Saviour, Jesus Christ.” A former pastor at my church always added a word: “protect us from all useless anxiety.” I loved that. Some anxiety is a good thing but useless anxiety grinds us down.

I believe in a loving God, a God who wishes the very best for us. This God knows our every need and our every desire. God who cares for the tiniest mustard seed cares also for us. God who provides for the sparrow and the elephant provides also for us.

We have choices in life. Instead of handing them over to God, we worry and try to fix the issues that suck the life out of us. I am not saying for a minute that being a Christian makes every journey smooth sailing. On the contrary, I think we have as many storms on the seas as anyone else in life. All I am suggesting is that when we hand over the worries to God that the burden is shared and somehow the anxiety is not so overwhelming. On occasion, we will experience a peace beyond our understanding. That is the gift of our faith. Grace and peace that battle the useless anxiety that threaten to devour us. Do not worry about your life. Hand the worrying over to the One who can get it under control. God loves you immensely and wants the very best for you.

Peace,

Suzanne

Heart of Stone or Flesh?

I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh. ~ Ezekiel 36:26

I found this stone in Newfoundland, along the shores of a beach laden with purple striped rocks. The heart shape caught my eye amongst all the others—a gift of sorts from the ocean to me. The ocean is always a refuge for me. I can walk for miles and never tire of it.

Hearts are funny matters. We long to give our hearts to someone and yet at the same time most people build protective fortresses around them, rendering it almost impossible for anyone to really know the heart worth loving. On the flip side, my heart is often an open book. People usually know what I am feeling. Being in a friendship or relationship with me is intense. I tend not to hold back. My heart of flesh is messy though. It is not for the faint-hearted or those who want to keep things at a surface level.

I know people who do have hearts of stone. They rarely express any emotions. They hold back from revealing their true selves, covering up the truth not only from others but from themselves too, I think. They run from pain but also from joy. I would find this incredibly frustrating and confusing. As much as I dread walking through painful moments, I would not really trade these for that way of dealing with life.

After a friend died a few years ago, I believed I was ready for a heart of stone. I did not want to feel anything any more. My heart had been shattered enough in life. When another friend asked me to walk with her weekly as she faced a life-threatening illness, something inside of me screamed NO! but the words that came out of my mouth were “of course I would.” My heart of flesh did not even think before it responded. I am wired this way to my core. Sometimes it exhausts me but at the same time my heart grounds me. I know I am loved and loving. That has been a huge gift for me. You’d be surprised the number of people who have not integrated that concept into their inner most beings.

I have wondered what it is like to have a heart of stone. I pick up the rock in the photo from time to time and thank God for my heart of flesh and ask for mercy and forgiveness when I feel the hardness creeping into the fleshiness. We have choices in life. One of them is to live with a heart of stone; the other is to live with a heart of flesh. Which do you choose?

Peace,

Suzanne

Love Somebody? Learn Your ABCs

Don't worry about life; you're not going to survive it anyway. ~ Walter Bagehot

I spent the day in a training session with colleagues on First Aid and CPR. When I saw it was being offered I realized it had been a number of years since I had done one and that with ailing parents that it might not be a bad idea to renew my certification. What did those ABCs stand for again? Right! Airway, breathing, and compression (CPR).

Some of the techniques have changed a wee bit so I was glad to do this refresher. Grey’s Anatomy makes it look so easy but as I continued to do compressions for several minutes I could feel myself tiring. The instructor said that he knew of someone who kept it up for 76 minutes but that his personal experience of 23 minutes left him weak as an overcooked spaghetti noodle.

I wondered if I would ever have to use these skills. I have not yet and have taken the course at least three times. I know at my parents’ 50th wedding anniversary my dad disappeared from the dinner table. When he did not come back in a timely fashion, I sent my brother to the restroom to check upon him. Sure enough he had done what most people do—left the table because he was choking and went to the bathroom. He could have died which happens more times than we know.

Love your family?? Do them a favour and take a First Aid/CPR course. You never know when it will come in handy.

Peace,

Suzanne

Love of all loving

Jesus Christ, Love of all loving, You were always in me, and I did not know it. You were always there and I kept on forgetting You. You were in my heart of hearts and I was looking elsewhere. ~ Brother Roger of Taize

Taize is a remarkable community and what I gleaned of Brother Roger by watching him at a distance was inspiring. He was a humble and gentle soul. His books are incredibly simple, with a recurring theme of Love.

I walked the fields of Taize endlessly when I was not praying in the modest chapel. I fell in love with Jesus all over again both times I was there. The first time I went, I was moved to tears one day and did not really know their source. Slowly I realized that I was deeply loved by the Trinity in ways that I had not known. Every movement of that first visit I was held lovingly. I left renewed.

My second visit was pure gift. My sister had died and I was given a miraculous present of airfare to anywhere that an airline flew. I chose to return to Paris and make my way to Taize, a source of strength and joy. I had not forgotten the peace I had found there, nor the abiding Presence that remained with me. Taize, that little spring time, was such a healing force.

We look elsewhere for answers and come up empty. The desires of my heart are placed there by One who already has those answers and waits for us to simply come. I forget this lesson more times than I understand but when I return to it, there is such serenity. I really need to stop being so forgetful in this regard.

Peace,

Suzanne

Greater Things

God made us for greater things: to love and to be loved. ~ Mother Teresa

Just a few more days of this month and these blogs related to either love or the heart will be done—bear with me. I had an interesting day. I was chatting with a mom about her daughter and the struggles the family is going through. I think teens today struggle with being loved. I struggled with that concept growing up. I was never a cool kid—or so I thought. A Facebook friend posted that she was getting together with school friends while home and said she was nervous that she was still the nerd she was back then. All these posts came saying she was not a nerd then or now. I have similar memories to being “nerdish” but I am not sure that my friends would agree either. Interesting how we see ourselves, eh?

I try hard to love the kids in my life, whether they are part of my professional or personal life. I see a lot of wounded creatures out there. I really want to infuse them with the ability to know they are loveable and worthy beings. I have my work cut out for me though. One nasty comment from a peer can erase any memory of an affirmation.

I listened to this mother until tears finally streamed down her face. She was telling me things, I suspect, that she had not yet confided to another non-family member. I wished with all my heart that I could take her pain away but knew that was not possible. I could only offer a safe space for the time we spoke and then pray for her. I also gave her a list of resources with which she was not yet familiar. She believes in God and trusts that all will be well.

God made us for greater things and yet sometimes, we are sidetracked. Today, I put aside my “work” and instead opened my heart to someone who needed it. I ended up paying attention to the greater thing without planning it.

Peace,

Suzanne

Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep

And if tonight my soul may find her peace
in sleep, and sink in good oblivion,
and in the morning wake like a new-opened flower
then I have been dipped again in God, and new-created.
~D.H. Lawrence

Ah, sleep! I love snuggling into my bed at the end of a rewarding day. I sleep in both a feather bed and a duvet. It is a slice of heaven. Awakening refreshed is like being dipped again in God, a new creation, ready to face the day ahead. Isn’t that a great image?? Dipped again in God. Beautiful.

So February, heart month, is coming to an end. I was reading Stephanie Staples' blog tonight and found an interesting posting regarding sleep and how the lack of it can cause heart and stroke issues. You can check out the details at http://yourlifeunlimited.ca/_blog/Blog/post/Sleep_Matters_-_Face_the_Facts!/

Lots of us try to figure out the balance of waking and sleeping hours. When I was in Burundi, I perfected it for the most part. I went to bed early due to power outages, and rose at a decent hour. I must have slept nine hours each night. My body loved it. Back in the craziness of Canadian life, I average six hours a night, nudging me towards heart disease according to the information in the above blog.

I decided last week that I really should be in bed by 10:30 at the latest weeknights. Of course, over the weekend, I was up late every night. Ack!! Why is balance sometimes such a challenge?

Peace,

Suzanne

I Will Love You for You

I will love you for you / Not for what you have done or what you will become / I will love you for you / I will give you the love, the love, that you never knew.// ~ JJ Heller

Yesterday afternoon I watched the movie Fireproof Your Marriage, the story of a Godless marriage between a fireman and a career woman. One of the inmates had suggested that I would like it. One of the key lines in it was never leave your partner, initially used in relation to the fire crew but foreshadowing the marriage breakdown. I was slightly disturbed by some facets of the movie—in a good way. I think oftentimes in relationships couples tune out from what their partners need and then simply walk away rather than try to make it work.

There was a lot of anger in this movie, especially towards the wife from the husband which I found disturbing (not in a good way). I kept thinking any minute he was going to hit his wife. He didn’t but still it was stressful to watch him take several strips off of her verbally. I am sure her silence was also hard for men to watch. Her anger turned inwards and her remarks were cutting. Watching the marriage disintegrate was painful.

Watching the shaky ground become solid was intriguing in some ways. As the couple tried to build their house anew on rock was a reminder of how challenging the work of restitution really is. The husband began the program with no love in his heart, doing things without any real feeling in them. A guy I once knew would often respond with, “it’s the least I can do…and I always do the least I can do” whenever he did something nice to me. He was trying to be funny but I soon learned the truth that resonated within him in that regard. He always did just enough—not enough to spark a complaint but not enough to really wow me either.

Love requires 100% commitment. It means, as JJ Heller sings in the lyrics above, that you give someone the love they never knew but always believed was out there…a love that everyone is worthy of…a love that originated in God who proved through Jesus exactly what the cost of love should be.

Peace,

Suzanne

Love Not Hate

Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, so that you may be the children of your Father in Heaven. ~ Matthew 5: 44

Today’s gospel reading is a challenging one. It begins with the Hebrew Scripture verse of an eye for an eye. Jesus then proposes a new way of thinking, a turning away from violence and hatred. As I have watched the Candace Derksen trial, I have thought often of Wilma, her mother, and the times I have heard her speak on forgiveness. Watching her and Cliff move through these weeks of the trial, I can see they are children of God in Heaven.

Loving your enemies is not easy. Forgiving those who have hurt you sometimes seems like a hurdle too high to jump. I have struggled with forgiving people and with trying to let go of grudges. Mostly I have succeeded in finding that amazing place of grace, of being able to move beyond myself and to see with eyes more like God’s.

What would this world look like if we could love our enemies? If we could not hang on to what we think should happen? If we could get out of the way and let peace flow through us? If we could say that my way is not the only way? If we could find a heart of flesh for the person who has done us wrong? If we could let go instead of hoard those feelings of anger and hatred? What would happen then?

Peace,

Suzanne

Love Home Cooking!

Vegetables are a must on a diet. I suggest carrot cake, zucchini bread, and pumpkin pie. ~Jim Davis


11:42 p.m. and I am still stuffed. Have I mentioned I LOVE to eat? Yes, I think so. Luckily for me, I am also blessed with several friends who are fantastic cooks/chefs. Tonight I headed out for supper at a friend’s country place. We had a lovely evening. I ate too much though. Appetizers, followed by an excellent main course, with a delicious plum crumble, sprinkled with stimulating conversation, enjoyed in a fabulous ambience. How blessed am I? Not to mention that I still hope to post this before midnight so I have not missed a blog posting thus far. Woohoo!!

Fifty: Shine On!

Lighthouses don’t go running all over an island looking for boats to save; they just stand there shining. ~ Anne Lamott


Fifty!! This is post number 50. Wow!! It’s hard to believe it. I have not missed a post so far, even with travels across the province. I am sure I won’t totally maintain the daily efforts but just the same it has been a good exercise for me.

A friend asked recently why I was doing this. I do enjoy the writing. I have always loved to write. However it is more than that. I am hoping that some readers will be inspired. Perhaps something that I write encourages someone to do something to celebrate their own life. Maybe some folks will find courage to step forward on their own journey because of something they read here.

I am not sure who is reading this blog. Besides the seven known followers, I see several of my American friends tuning in from time to time. I also have readers in the United Kingdom, Denmark, and Russia bringing the countries up to six (Canadian and Singapore followers). I have no idea who those people are but how cool is that?! I am not sure I know anyone personally in Russia or Denmark but thanks for clicking on even briefly.

Fabulous at fifty!! I am not sure how many of you are finding this useful. Some nights I come doggone tired to the computer and puke my thoughts. Other moments I do have more profound things to say. Anne Lamott is a great writer. I love her stuff. This quote makes me think about how we just need to live our lives and be who we are—just be the gifts we are to this world. We cannot go running around like headless chickens trying to create something that we are not mean to. We are simply to be—who we are, where we are—all the time shining brightly. Even when we are tired and feel like we have nothing to contribute, a pinprick of light against the darkness is still bright. Shine on people. The world needs you.

Peace,

Suzanne

Life in Small Town

The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don't know what you're doing, someone else does. ~ Source unknown

Small town Manitoba….on a stormy night. Not too exciting. I have spent the evening watching TV. Thursday is my favourite viewing night. I really did not do anything else. I was supposed to write a couple of consultation notes but instead just lay upon my bed watching the tube.

I had supper with a colleague, eating way too much. Everyone here is talking about a snow day for tomorrow. As long as the roads are clear by afternoon so I can make it home.

I’m looking forward to the long weekend ahead. I would like a break and love some down time.

You Just Never Know....

Death is a challenge.
It tells us not to waste time...it tells us to
tell each other right now that we love each other.
~ Leo Buscaglia

Tonight the jury begins deliberations in the Candace Derksen trial. They may even reach a decision in the next few hours. Her parents were on the news tonight talking about how healing, but how very raw, sitting through the testimony has been. Much rests on little evidence. Who knows how will it turn out for everyone?

For me, the event has sparked emotions that have surprised me. Not many people know this but when I was in elementary school I was almost abducted. I remember some of the details as clear as it was yesterday instead of three decades ago. I was heading to my patrol corner. I had arrived late from lunch break and so made a simple decision that had the capacity to change everything. Instead of stopping at the school and walking with friends, I walked towards the busy intersection which I guarded. A man who would have been my father’s age pulled up in a car beside me and opened the passenger door. He needed directions to the store up the street. He must have called me over because I remember being close to his car and explaining that if he just looked he could see the store from where we were but he insisted I get in the car and show me. My intuition must have been quite strong because I stepped away from the car and saw my patrol buddies coming. I said that he should ask them just as he went to grab me. Staring at the oncoming group of patrols, he let me go, slammed his car door shut and sped off.

I buried the memory for a long time. Half a dozen years later, standing outside my friend’s brother’s car, he jokingly tried to grab me and pull me inside. I flipped out and the memory came back. I will never know what might have happened that sunny afternoon. Who knows what darkness lurked in that man’s heart? I am grateful that as always, my guardian angels worked double time and protected me. I do remember conversations with the principal and police, but I don’t think anything ever came of it. Was he successful in snatching another little girl? Did he hurt her like someone hurt Candace? This week I have been wondering what might have happened to me and how it might have changed me and the people who loved me.

I watch the Derksens move through this painful ordeal with still more grace and compassion than most people. I have heard Wilma speak and read her books. May God grant this family all they need for the journey that began so long ago. Pray for them.

Peace,

Suzanne

Reeling in Hearts

Joy is a net of love by which we catch souls. ~ Mother Teresa


It has been a long day. I traveled to small town Manitoba again today. This particular town is in a beautiful setting. The staff are a delight to work with. I drove back to the city for a lunch meeting with a colleague and had a very good conversation with him. From there I headed to the office and worked steadily. I love accomplishing much—it is always a good day when I almost or completely finish my to-do list.

Tonight I went to a meeting for the Chemin Neuf community that is starting here in Winnipeg. Two members were visiting, one from France and the other from Laval, QC. For the first time, something really shifted inside me about this community. The process has been unfolding gently here but a building has been offered for use and so these visitors were here to offer some guidance and affirmation in the discernment of accepting or rejecting the potential “home.”

The community has strong ties to Ignatian Spirituality since the founder is a former Jesuit who was given permission to begin his own community. One of the values of Chemin Neuf is unity amongst Christians which resonates within me. Tonight though, I could see through these two members that there is something solid that is attractive. Time will tell whether it is for me or not, but what I left feeling completely sure of is that Winnipeg needs this presence. With 27 communities world-wide, something is catching on and inspiring people. I caught a glimpse of that tonight. In both people, there was a subtle joy that did envelope the evening and reel in our hearts.

Peace,

Suzanne

Family Trees

If you live to be 100, I want to live to be 100 minus one day,
so I never have to live without you.
~ Winnie the Pooh


A cousin of mine is doing a family tree and so tonight I sent her some information that I had. I could not help but wonder on this Valentine’s Day, of all the love those pages of the various genograms held. I flipped through photographs of weddings of my parents and grandparents and smiled.

I have information for both sets of grandparents, their offspring, and their children. What a wonderfully rich heritage I have. I love the craziness that happened in the family back in Quebec. It appears that two brothers married girls from the same family. I guess there is nothing wrong in marrying your sister-in-law, right?

The heartache that history holds is evident too. So many of the children died of influenza. I had done a university project in 2003 and now eight years later, I need to update the information due to a few deaths. Sad really. I know my aunt is facing Valentine’s Day without her husband for the first time in over 45 years. I am sure it must be an especially difficult day for her since her husband died three weeks ago tomorrow.

Ah, love….I wonder what happens to the memories of love so long ago….who holds them still?

Peace,

Suzanne

Cooking Up a Storm

Life itself is the proper binge. ~ Julia Child

I love to cook. When I was little, because I was the oldest daughter, I often baked a cake on Saturdays. Today, I had no real plans, though a relatively long to-do list. On that list was bake muffins (give some to my kind neighbours who helped push me out of the snow bank I was stuck in yesterday) and make shepherd’s pie.

I am not a particularly artsy person, but there is something about cooking that releases my creativity. I never make anything the same way twice, and rarely do I follow a recipe. I am not always successful but nonetheless, I have fun.

I love the smell of a home filled with mouth-watering aromas. I also enjoy eating what I cook. One of the cons about my home is that I cannot really entertain, nor can I cook or bake great things. The oven is not new and I never know how to gauge baking times. The next place I move to has to have a better oven and more room to throw a party.

Peace,

Suzanne

Clash of the Hearts

When we entrust to God those who have clashed with us, something may indeed change within them, but our own heart is already on a road of peace. ~ Brother Roger

So often when we have people who we dislike, it is hard to love them. Something does happen though, when I begin to pray for people who drive me crazy. It should be no surprise when the heart that is changed is not theirs, but my own.

There is a lady in my church who is quite unlovable at most moments. She has a mental illness and all sorts of issues that go along with her particular situation. One minute she can be kind and the next, angry. She has yelled at me and at other times told me I was a nice person. For the most part, I let it roll off me. One night, she asked me for a ride home. I had heard rumours that she sometimes would not get out of the car or ask to stay overnight with whoever attempted to drive her to the boarding house where she lives. I declined. I turned over that decision many times in the weeks to come. She had attempted to shame me, saying I was a bad person.

The next time she asked me to drive her home, I agreed. I have driven her now many times but tried to keep good boundaries in doing so. On occasions when I have to get up early the next morning, I have to say I will do so but that she needs to get out of the car immediately when we arrive at her place. To my great surprise, she honours that request. I find that it is my own heart that has changed. She cannot help the way she is, but I can. I don’t always feel up to driving her, but when I do, I sometimes even feel blessed by the encounter.

God has a funny way of working….and answering our prayers.

Peace,

Suzanne

Love Every Moment

I shall spend every moment loving. One who loves does not notice her trials; or perhaps more accurately, she is able to love them. ~ Bernadette Soubirous

Today is the feast day of Our Lady of Lourdes. When I was a little girl, I was taken by the movie, Song of Bernadette, the story of Bernadette Soubirous, the young French girl to whom Our Lady appeared to numerous times. I still remember my feelings at the end of the film when Bernadette died. I was so struck by her faith, right to the end.

Decades later, I would travel to Lourdes, tearing myself away from my beloved Taize to spend a few days in the place where Mary is said to have appeared to Bernadette and where now a spring flows and people can immerse themselves in the healing waters. I was not sure what to expect when I arrived in Lourdes but it was not a great experience. Everywhere I went Italian women seemed to be shrieking out Ava Maria. Line ups were long. A creepy man followed me around the village. I watched people bring severely disabled children to the spring and wondered what they expected from the visit. I prayed for them, that their hearts would be transformed and that they could love the person before them completely just the way they were. I did not really get it.

I immersed myself in those healing waters seemingly to no avail but did not disbelieve that this place was holy. I struggled the whole time I was there to integrate what I was seeing. I had a long talk one afternoon with the priest at Pax Christi where I was staying. I am not exactly sure how we had such deep conversation in a language I am not fluent in but we did. Those are the moments that remain with me as healing. He had written me off early as someone who perhaps was a mindless child but by the end of it, I could tell that some healing had happened within him too during our conversations and he held great respect for me, insisting upon driving me to the train station, something he never did for other guests who were not known to him previously. I remember his farewell words of encouragement in particular, especially during times of struggle.

I think it is amazing that so many years later someone who began by disliking me can have had such a profound effect on me. Maybe Bernadette was right about trying to live her life every moment loving. In this month of love, maybe I should try to spend more time acting lovingly. Perhaps my own heart will continue to be transformed.

peace,

Suzanne

Love Changes Everything

Nothing is more practical than finding God, that is, than falling in a love in a quite absolute, final way. What you are in love with, what seizes your imagination will affect everything. It will decide what will get you out of bed in the mornings, what you will do with your evenings, how you spend your weekends, what you read, who you know, what breaks your heart, and what amazes you with joy and gratitude. Fall in love, stay in love, and it will decide everything. ~ Pedro Arrupe


I am in the North today and have had the opportunity to sit in on an ASL class, something I have not done in a long time. I enjoyed it. ASL is such a beautiful language it is no wonder that many people fall in love with it. The class was fun and the students were motivated.

When I started in the Deaf Community, the language and the people attracted me. I fell in love with ASL and Deaf people. I was lucky that something invaded my soul and changed my life forever.

Peace,

Suzanne

Let's Talk About It

Statistics are: one in five Canadians will suffer from mental illness in their lifetime. I'm part of that statistic, but so are most of us, if it's not you individually, it's someone close to you. ~ Clara Hughes

Yesterday I had a marvelous surprise. While driving in the city, I spotted a bald eagle. This time of year that must be rare and in the heart of the city at any time, it is unusual. I was so delighted. I pulled over and looked up, wondering where it went. I could not spot it but I drove away like a little child who had just found a bottle of joy and wonder, mixed together.

I am always astounded by my own ability to react in this way. In fact, it is a part of me that I love. Having several friends and family members who suffer from clinical depression and other forms of mental illness, I know it is not an easy emotion to capture or maintain for some folks. Today is “Let’s Talk Day,” a campaign that targets the stereotypes regarding mental illness. When Clara Hughes admitted that she suffered from depression, I was hopeful that people would respond well. I have not heard how this day went but I do pray that people will let go of the stigma attached to people who have a mental illness.

peace,

Suzanne

Change of Heart

Change your hearts….
Unless we change our hearts we cannot be converted.
Changing places is not the answer.
Changing occupations is not the answer.
The answer is to change our hearts.
~Mother Teresa

I have loved my life and all the opportunities afforded me. At times, though I know that I hit a wall. I tire of my old habits that keep me trapped, rather than move me forward. People think it is a change of mind that will transform their ways, but I am convinced it is a change of heart. Within the heart lies the desire for something new. Whether it is a new job, a new residence, or a new love, the longing, for most of us, requires a transformation of the heart.

I pray that I may be open to a change of heart, an open mind, and a willing spirit when necessary to move beyond the sticking points of my life. Change is a good thing!!

Peace,

Suzanne

Something Beautiful for God

To show great love for God and our neighbour we need not do great things. It is how much love we put in the doing that makes our offering something beautiful for God. ~ Mother Teresa

I read Malcolm Muggeridge's book about Mother Teresa almost two decades ago. The book had a powerful effect on my life. I wanted to change my ways afterwards—to live differently. I went off to Washington, DC to work in the inner city after that. I was never the same.

Sometimes it is not grandiose things that change the world. In the daily routine of life, we are created and creating anew. Today I spent time with a family that I had not seen for almost a year and a half. They called me an angel because of the work I did for their son. I have a couple of families on my caseload who call me their angel. It is rather humbling.

At the centre of my work, when I am doing it well, I may well be God’s angel, as I offer up my task as something beautiful for God. I struggle to maintain this some days but today was a reminder that we all have the potential to change the world for the better. Do small things with great love, Mother Teresa also says. If our efforts are for God, we should have love at the centre of them and then something beautiful will definitely unfold.

Peace,

Suzanne

If parents snicker at racial and gender jokes, another generation will pass on the poison adults still have not had the courage to snuff out. ~ Marian Wright Edelman

During my morning devotional time, I read this line, Love is reached through a journey, and it requires practice. It comes from a larger context by Enzo Bianchi in which the topic of loving your enemy is examined. Maybe my mind is still on loving those who are different than you because of last night’s play. I think that I am on a journey of loving better and that requires practice. I find myself having conversations with a young person in my life and challenging her to think more broadly. She made a wise crack about someone’s physical appearance on TV the other night and I asked her why she would do that. I am still learning how to deal with jokes about racial, gender, and sexual orientation. I don’t laugh at them, but sometimes I don’t know what to say to show my disproval of them and the toxic language lingers in my mind and all those who have heard the poison.

The photo is from my trip to Burundi. It is the site of a massacre of one race by another. The Hutus murdered Tutsi students and staff here, hacking them with machetes or burning them alive at this spot. When I was there fourteen years after the genocide, I saw the struggle to love your enemies. I met people who were finding the courage to snuff out the racism and hatred. These people have learned to love in ways that most of us will never have to be challenged by. They are working on raising a new generation of children who will not hold the racial grudge. I wish them ever success in their venture. In the meantime, I am going to continue practicing on my own personal journey of discovering my own courage to do the same.

Peace,

Suzanne

The opposite of love is not hate; it's indifference. ~ Elie Wiesel

It has been over 20 years since Canada had a shooting at Montreal's École Polytechnique that took the lives of fourteen women. For those unfamiliar with the incident, a man stormed into the engineering class and separated the men from the women and then opened fire on the women, expressing his anger towards feminists, and women in general. Canada was shocked at this violence against women and wondered how this could happen in our country.

Tonight I went to see The December Man, which is an award winning play that does not focus on the women or the shooter. Instead, it looks at one of the men who was separated from the women and the aftermath of his trauma and guilt. It is a cleverly done drama, working backwards through time, showing the unraveling of the young man and his parents.

I had recently returned to Canada after living in Washington, DC for a year when the historical event took place. Shootings were commonplace in my American neighbourhood. Canada was home though and such things did not happen. I had actually come through Montreal on my way home to visit a friend who was living there. I called her when I heard about the shootings. She was safe but she knew someone whose sister had been killed.

The shootings changed me. I was taking night classes at the university at the time. About a week after the shootings, I stopped at the washroom before walking home. As I washed my hands, I heard running in the hallway. My heart stopped. What was going on out there? Was there a copycat shooter? Was I going to die in the women’s washroom? It turned out to be nothing but the reaction was so strong in me that I realized I was no longer the same person. I no longer felt safe being a woman. I had always considered myself a feminist but now I knew that came at a great cost. I was angry about the shootings for a long time. I think as a nation, Canada was too. I think it is why we still honour these women every December 6.

The play took a broad stance. As the family moved through its existence post-trauma, it was obvious that sweeping the violence under the carpet did not work. Indifference and hatred are the opposite of love. Apathy destroys people. The man who left that classroom that day could not live with what he had done, though no one blamed him. How could anyone have blamed any of those men that day? We had never experienced anything like it in our history. No one knew what would happen. As a country we mourned and those who remember will probably not be indifferent to the violence that women experience. I know that I remember every December with sorrow and anguish. I pray that women don’t ever have to be afraid because they are women but some days that prayer seems ludicrous. Most days, however, I know that being a woman is one of the best gifts I have ever received in spite of all the hurdles faced.

The play reminded me that violence against women hurts everyone, not just women. It tears apart lives and families and the very fabric of our society. May we all choose not to be indifferent to the violence that we see.

Peace,

Suzanne

Journeying with Jesus

We must carry Jesus in our hearts to wherever He wants to go, and there are many places to which He may never go unless we take Him to them. ~ Caryll Houselander

Today an interesting event happened at work. A colleague was coming to meet with me and some other people needed to meet with him but no interpreter was available. I volunteered to interpret their meeting prior to mine. Later in the day, after the meetings, one of my colleagues stopped by looking for someone else and she looked at me, and said, “Stand up. I need to give you a hug. You are one of the kindest, most generous people I know.” It caught me totally off guard. I did not really think what I had done was that special.

I think that is how it is with Jesus. He just shows up sometimes, when we least expect it, and does not make much fanfare. He has the potential to change lives through us. He has the ability to change our own lives if we pay attention.

I have a neighbour who has some issues. I am not quite sure what they are but he is not super friendly towards me. When I left the house today, I turned and locked the door. Then I listened, wondering what that sound was I was hearing. I looked up—no, not rain. Hmmm…..it sounds like water. I could not figure it out. I went around towards the back where my car is and then I saw the source. My neighbour’s outdoor tap was on full blast. He must have opened it in the fall after the freeze. Today was a glorious day, with temperatures above zero.

I was wearing only shoes and I could see that the water had been running for some time. I envisioned a flooded basement so I jumped into the snow bank between the houses and turned off the tap. Then I went to work. Then I realized that if the basement was flooded, my neighbour might not find it because he did not know that the tap had been on. When I got home, I knocked on his door. He was surprised to see me. I simply told him what I had done and turned and walked away after he said thank you. It was actually a good exchange. Despite saying he is not friendly towards me, we have had a couple of decent things happen between us. He helped me one day when I was frustrated by my bike stand.

Anyway, this day sort of taught me that if I carry Jesus in my heart with me throughout the day, special things can happen, even in the most ordinary exchanges.

Gotta love it!

A life lived in love will never be dull. ~ Leo Buscaglia


Since it is Heart/Love Month, I thought I would share the following list with you.

Ten Things I Love Today:

1. The Colour Purple....ok, I know, I love that everyday but today I wore it.

2. The restaurant in small town Manitoba that I went to for lunch that makes everything from scratch.

3. Driving with my window down in FEBRUARY!! Yes, it was –1. Woohoo!

4. A clean car….after days of minus kazillion degrees, I was finally able to wash it.

5. Not having to plug my car in….(ok, is there a theme here?)

6. Vampire Diaries should be on later tonight.

7. The pasta dish I am about to have for supper.

8. Groupon Coupons—today’s was one I will definitely use!

9. Learning that my sister-in-law’s sister will have a room named after her at the place she worked and changed lives of teens.

10. My friend Ren who is celebrating a birthday! Happy Birthday to you!!

Love Hurts

And a sword will pierce your own soul. ~ Simeon in the Gospel of Luke 2

Today is the Presentation of the Lord or Candlemas in the Catholic Church. I was able to attend mass and the congregation processed in with our candles singing. The readings were about the presentation of Jesus in the temple with Simeon and Anna rejoicing that they have seen their Saviour.

For those who have been in love with anyone, you know that by loving you open yourself up to the potential of pain. When Simeon warns Mary that her soul will pierced, she has no idea what that will mean. Most of us would not want to know what is going to cause us pain in advance. I had a great chat this week with a friend who was telling me if she had to pick problems out of a jar, she would still pick her own over someone else’s. She was telling me an incredible story about loving her child. I could feel though how a sword was also piercing her heart. That is the cost of love—it ain’t cheap!!

Heart Month

Rest your heart in God, let yourself float on the safe waters, loving life as it comes, with all the rough weather it may bring. Give, without counting how many years are left, not worried about surviving as long as possible. ~ Brother Roger

February. I have written daily for one month. I must confess I am delightfully surprised by my discipline.

February is heart month. Heart and Stroke Month is one spinoff of that theme. Valentine’s Day makes its appearance. Working in the education setting, February is also I love to read month. Hearts abound in this month.

What is happening in your heart today? Is it a healthy heart? Is it a happy heart? My heart is resting in God today. These past few weeks have been full of unexpected events, many sad. Even in my weariness tonight though, I must confess that I love life. I always have, turbulent weather and all. Brother Roger of Taize was such an amazing man. Taize is a place that I adore. I thought I might return there this year to celebrate my half century. I am still debating that.

In my heart today, I hold my uncle and his/our family, and my sister-in-law and her family. It is one week since my uncle and my sister-in-law’s sister died.

peace,

Suzanne