Ready to Forgive

"The victims of injustice and oppression must ever be ready to forgive. That is a gospel imperative." ~ Desmond Tutu

Tutu heard testimonies during the South African Truth and Reconciliation Commission that must have made his heart stop beating at various points. Yet, here he says victims must ever be ready to forgive. I have yet to re-read his book but I am curious what the living out of this imperative looks like.

When I was training trainers in Burundi on working with the bereaved populations there, a man asked me, "How am I supposed to forgive the man who killed my daughter? Am I just supposed to forget what he did?" I could hear the pain and intensity of emotions in his voice and see the agony etched into his face. The silence in the room was like a loud gong, awaiting my response. No staff was there with me and I hesitated because I did not know the "party line" so to speak. The incredible weight of the potential to wound with the words that came out of my mouth was tangible. No response would have been equally as disrespectful.

Not forgiving, I heard myself say, keeps you the prisoner. If you want freedom, you must let go of all that poison. I was not sure what the staff would teach but as an intern I can only share my own experience. Forgiving may not always set free the forgiven but it does grant the forgiver grace to move on.

As for forgetting, I continued, I do not condone that. My rationale was that if I forget I dishonour myself (or the other victim in this man's case) and I leave myself open to be wounded in the same way again in the future. I am not a doormat who people can walk over. I am a strong woman who must learn from the challenging lessons of life but not harbour resentment and anger because I hurt my own spirit by doing so. I also thought that forgiveness and reconciliation were two different outcomes. This man did not have to have tea with the murderer. He did not have to restore a relationship with him but if he could move towards forgiveness that would be prudent. About this time, I was inwardly panicking, wondering what one of the wise staff would have said. I did not stop though.

I believe that as Christians we are called to forgive too soon. I have been hurt in life. I have been betrayed in ways that I never expected to be. I shared the story of getting stuck in my anger and feeling the rage bubble deeper inside my soul until I was scared of it. I asked my spiritual director at the time when would I know that holding on to all those negative emotions had to stop. He looked into my eyes and assured me that I would know when it was time to let go and that I should not hurry. He was an African American priest who had probably experienced his share of being confronted with forgiveness.

On the flip side, I have stood in the need of forgiveness of my own bad behaviour. That is not an easy place either. Humbling at its best and destructive at its worst, the need to be forgiven is often where I end up when I am trying to decide if I should forgive. I do not wish to hold that kind of power over another human being. I am not God and I cannot judge a heart, nor do I want mine judged by someone who does not comprehend my actions.

One of the most difficult people to forgive has been myself. I am sure you have been there too. When I was in Burundi, I met a woman from Congo who struggled to forgive herself for being raped three times in life. More recently, I spoke with one of the inmates at the federal penitentiary here and I asked if he had ever forgiven himself for the violent crime he had committed. He said he never would, nor should he. I begged to differ. I am not sure I convinced him, but at some point in life, we all need to stand in a place of grace, knowing that we do not deserve mercy. I think that is what Tutu means. None of us are innocent. We are all guilty to varying degrees.

I am ever grateful for those beings in my life who forgive me my transgressions and a God who loves me unconditionally. The movement must be towards greater freedom for myself and for the perpetrators of small and large infractions. The journey is not easy--forgiveness is a process, not a one time event, precisely because we cannot forget. Twenty years after my sister was misdiagnosed by a doctor, I still think about him and wonder if he knows I have forgiven him. I know that says something about me too and where I actually might be with that process. I chose not to hang on to the pain of his error and it has taken me down a different path than if I had not.

The readings for my course on truth and reconciliations will heal me and enlighten me on my way. I pray that you too may move towards greater wholeness as you stand in need of forgiving someone or of being forgiven.

Peace,

Suzanne