Angels on High

"May those who serve you constantly in heaven keep our lives safe from all harm on earth." ~ Opening Prayer today on the Feast Day of Sts. Michael, Gabriel, and Raphael

Nineteen years ago today we held a memorial service for my sister. I still remember pacing in my apartment that morning. I stepped out into the shared foyer at some point. At the time I was living in a house in which my landlord had an office on the first floor that often had one of the men who worked for him, sitting in it. This day was no different. The man looked at me and told me that I should hurry to a local automotive store. I looked at him in puzzlement. He responded with “ They have a sale on shock absorbers.” To this day, I appreciate his attempt to make me laugh and his ability to name what was going on for me.

I always thought it was fitting that Corrinne would be buried on this Feast Day of the Archangels—one of protection, one of good news, and one of healing. She was celebrated in good company. The remembrance was a difficult one. I stood up to do the second reading. One of her best friends had done the first reading. I looked out at those gathered at the closed service and saw many of my friends in tears. I had not yet seen most of them since she had died. I barely made it through the reading.

I only remember snippets of the service. My brother did the eulogy. My dad wept and I reached out to put an arm around him. The priest was a man I had struggled with on a personal level. He seemed to go on and on when I really wanted him to hush. I was grateful for his singing though. I remember Mom rushing around at the reception, greeting people. I appreciated having friends there to support me. After all these years, it is still somewhat of a surreal blur. I remember the readings though. I still think of her when I hear them…and they are read during the church year.

I did feel as if the angels surrounded me that day and throughout the years that followed. As I reached for my morning prayer misselette that day, I felt enveloped in some protective embrace when I saw what the Feast Day was. I am grateful for these Archangels on many levels, especially for standing guard that day and walking with me through one of the darkest days of my life.

Peace,

Suzanne

Forgotten Joy Remembered

"Whatever may be the tensions and the stresses of a particular day, there is always lurking close at hand the trailing beauty of forgotten joy or unremembered peace."- Howard Thurman

I came across the writings of Howard Thurman while living in Washington, DC. He is really a brilliant writer. I love his prose on angels. This was a gem to find at the end of the day. I am tired tonight. This week and September in general has been busy.

As the month ends, I know that October also brings a full slate as activities start up again. Today, I received an email asking me to direct the Spiritual Exercises and I agreed. The day started with me sending a response to an email that irked me. I felt as if the person was asking me to compromise my integrity, even though I know it is innocent. I found myself driving to work and thinking about how people can create stress if I let them, without meaning to. Someone else read the email and agreed with my thinking though.

I parked my car and stood for a moment looking at a tree, ablaze with autumn’s wardrobe. Thank goodness for that flash of beauty, which allowed me to refocus my energies.

By the time I got home tonight, I stretched out on my couch to watch the news. I woke up as some talent show was beginning. I guess I did not need to know about the latest murder or violent act in our world. I would rather concentrate on the beautiful things in life. I could not help but recall the conversation with a colleague I was visiting today who wanted to know how she could control her anger better. I am no psychologist but I know that every place I go lately, people seem stressed. I think Thurman held a truth, we need to choose not to fret about the tensions of the day. We need to call forth those memories that give us the strength and inspiration of a forgotten joy or an unremembered peace. Here is a photo of my time a few summers ago in the Canadian Rockies that is not yet forgotten but does bring peace and joy.

Peace,

Suzanne

Fall Colours

"Everyone must take time to sit and watch the leaves turn. " ~Elizabeth Lawrence

Ah, the changing of colours! Autumn comes alive and brightens the world. This morning I saw a glorious tree standing proud in the morning sun, sparkling bright as a flame. This tree was at the end of my workday and not as stunning yet. In a day or two, it will be transformed.

I got home early enough tonight to take a walk in this beauty. I had been driving for hours in the country—actually a passenger for a change—soaking in the colours. This time of year I do love the travel my job requires. Take time to enjoy this passage.

Peace,

Suzanne

The Life-Changing Moment

The Well of Grief

Those who will not slip beneath
the still surface on the well of grief

turning downward through its black water
to the place we cannot breathe

will never know the source from which we drink,
the secret water, cold and clear,

nor find in the darkness glimmering
the small round coins
thrown by those who wished for something else.

— David Whyte, in Where Many Rivers Meet

Nineteen years ago a phone call shattered my sleep and my heart, changing my world forever. I woke up immediately at the sound of my sister’s voice, explaining that Corrinne, our youngest sister, was in the hospital and that we needed to go right away. Something was definitely wrong.

When I first saw Corrinne, I could not breathe. I felt like something was suffocating me. It was not the sight of her that did it, though the purple streaks appearing throughout her body were not a calming sight. It was something much bigger. The doctors did not know what was wrong. They were running some tests. We returned to the waiting room and I remember the nurse coming over to me and asking if I was ok. I must have looked horrible. I got up and called a friend. “Please pray,” I uttered in a great panic, “I think my sister is dying.” I wanted to take back those words but could only say, “The doctors haven’t said anything about that, but…please pray.”

The second time I went in to see her, the room began to spin. What was going on? I can only explain it as I sensed a great evil in the room that was moving violently to take control. It would be hours before the doctors confirmed what I already knew. Corrinne was dying and she did not have long to live. The tests confirmed that she had an aggressive form of meningococcemia and spinal meningitis.

My siblings, Corrinne’s partner, and I were stunned. The day continued in slow motion. Our parents were away and we tried hard to find them. They had gone to the United States for the weekend. They finally went back to their hotel after an incident with a store clerk that only could have been divinely inspired. There they found the hotel manager anxiously awaiting them with the news.

The day unfolded with many blessings despite the horror. A stupid, faithless priest happened to be on chaplain duty that day. He made my journey traumatic but others carried me through the day. The Grey Nuns surrounded my family and protected us with their prayers. Their kindness of getting us a private waiting room proved to be a balm. A friend arrived just in time to stand with me as the priest who doubted gave her a final anointing. Friends were praying in the chapel at my church and later gave me visions and prayers that sustain me until this present day. I have no doubt that Jesus himself welcomed Corrinne into heaven.

I remember sitting alone in the waiting room at one point, now over 14 hours since that phone call woke me. I panicked. I had all these people praying that my sister would live. I knew I had to supercede these well-intentioned people and prayed that God would intervene and take her home in mercy. It was only a few minutes later that the doctor came to say, she only had a few minutes left of life.

Standing at her bedside, after her death by myself was one of the most painful experiences of my life. I felt so guilty for not being able to be there as she took her final breath. I am not sure I have completely forgiven myself for that cowardice act, and yet, almost every Easter I understand why the disciples were not there. Seeing her lying in the bed, recognizable only by her red hair, so ravaged by the disease that she was like the suffering servant, took courage. Our family had been through a horrid experience in those fourteen or so hours. That day was only the beginning of a journey.

My aunt sent me a book with this poem in it. The poem would remain with me as I wrestled with all the tough, toxic, and unanswerable questions over the years. There were many times that I could not breath. In the year that followed, there were 13 deaths in 13 months. I felt like Job with all the crises I was facing.

However, I did know the source from which I drank in order to not let the darkness overwhelm me. I raged against the One who should have intervened many times but did not. The one fact I knew was that I was held lovingly the whole time. For that I am grateful. I would have wished for a different outcome. I would have wished to have switched places. I would have wished to have woken up from the nightmare that seemed to have no ending. I would have wished for several different endings. None of those wishes came true.

No, instead I have collected the small, golden coins that I found at the bottom of the well. I decided that if I had survived the experience and was given a chance to live myself, that I should transform it into something precious. I made this a conscious choice. It is not without resentment at times. I would rather have a red-headed beauty with big brown eyes laugh at my jokes, growl at me when she was annoyed, show off her fashion flair, and share stories from her day than all the gold nuggets from the experience. After 19 years, she is still deeply missed. My life is less than whole without her in it.

The photo was taken on Christmas Day 1986, six years before she died. While I had talked on the phone with her, I had not seen her in the weeks before she died as we were both so busy. That in itself is a lesson to stay in contact with the people you love. She had just moved in with her partner three weeks earlier. She was the happiest I had ever seen her. She was in love, had an amazing job, and was at peace with family issues for the most part. That would be the juncture most of us would want to exit this world, I suppose.

The gold coins I gathered have allowed me to reach out to others with compassion and help heal their grief. When I was in Africa almost three years ago, one of my tasks was to train trainers on how to facilitate small groups on grieving. The reason I was standing in front of these groups of people was not lost on me. When I look back over my life, I know that the sessions on grieving that I have given have been some of the most important work I have done in my life. The sharing of my own pain and the dark journey has been the work of the Kingdom. I am most proud of the lives that have been given hope, the hearts that have found a healing balm, and the sorrows that have been lifted because of my willingness to step beyond my own grief. I believe that this has been the best way to show that Darkness does not get to win.

I can honestly say that though she is still very much a part of my heart, I have broken through the surface of the dark waters of the well of grief, gold nuggets in hand in recent years. As I approach the second decade, I am aware that the pain does not overwhelm me like it did in the first decade. It seems like such a long time since I picked up the phone to call her or to sit across from her and listen to her funny stories. I have so many wonderful memories of her. Twenty-six years is not a long time but she was choosing to seize the day well. In many ways, her life was just beginning. She could have been an awesome wife and an amazing mother. She was excelling at her career. She was a faithful friend. She was beloved in our family--I think of her as Beth in Little Women. She is able still to inspire me. I am honoured to pry the gold nuggets out of my clenched fists and shake the dark water from my hair in order to share the gift of her life with those who need it.

I remember you lovingly and gratefully, Corrinne. Your light has never gone out.

Peace,

Suzanne

Humility

"Do nothing from selfishness or conceit, but in humility count others better than yourselves. " ~ Philippians 2:3

What a full day! Prior to heading off to my Pilates class, I did some work on the computer and a load of laundry. I had an excellent work out this morning—we used the trampolines, something I had not used before. They were a lot of fun and more aerobic than most Pilates classes.

I went to a beautiful baptism and reception before heading off to my interfaith group. After that it was time for mass. The day was not quite a Sabbath but still wonderful.

I read this line tonight at mass, proclaimed it from the pulpit. I am working hard to empty myself from my ego and I think most days I do get there. Self-esteem issues are tough to be sure for most of us.

Peace,

Suzanne

Hiding the Talent

“Comparison is not an adequate excuse for the tragedy of an unopened gift.” ~ John Ortberg

I am reading Ortberg’s book again (hoping to finish it this time) If You Want to Walk on Water, You’ve Got to Get Out of the Boat. Early on, he spends some time looking at the master and the gift of the different talents to his servants. This quote is from one of the sub-themes that runs through the discussion.

As I age, I find that I do less jealous comparing with other people. Instead, I try to focus on counting my blessings and what God has given me. I remember during a performance appraisal, one of my bosses said that I had a tendency to hide my talents under a bushel and that I needed to own them and let them shine. The fact that she used a biblical reference during my evaluation made me take note. Like the little girl in the photo, it is easy to hide under a bushel.

There is though a tragedy of not opening and using the gifts given. As I read this book, I do find myself taking note of many points—one being that we often do not use the gift out of fear. I have another memory of a time gone by. I had taken a Life in the Spirit seminar years ago. When I was being prayed over, one of my friends had the image of Christ standing before me holding a silver tray, filled with beautifully wrapped gifts. The image both frightened and blessed me. What an awesome vision! While the beauty of abundance is not lost on me, the terror of responsibility to open and use well all those gifts remains with me.

There was a time in my life when I did compare myself with others. Now I just try to compare myself with myself. Was there a time when I could do this? When I would have been more willing? More fearful? Less capable? Less critical? Am I doing this for the right reasons? Can I live with myself if I do this deed? Can I if I do not?

I do know that it begins with the desire to step out of the boat and trust the One who has given the talents with wisdom and confidence. May I always keep my eyes on the Giver.

Peace,

Suzanne

Creativity

“Don't think. Thinking is the enemy of creativity. It's self-conscious, and anything self-conscious is lousy. You can't try to do things. You simply must do things.” ~ Ray Bradbury

I was on a mission today to wrap something up and asked a colleague to help me out. This was one of the photos I took. I was trying to finish a project and asked her to come and create a few signs for me. We laughed so much in doing it. We did not think—we just pulled things together and went with it. I hope the finished project looks as good as this.

Peace,

Suzanne

Surprise!

“I've dreamt in my life dreams that have stayed with me ever after, and changed my ideas; they've gone through and through me, like wine through water, and altered the colour of my mind.” ~ Emily Bronte

I had a lovely surprise today in the midst of a busy day. A colleague of mine and I had a meeting. I was dashing into his office a wee bit late when I saw him begin to pull out purple items: A water bottle, shower gel, a sucker, an envelope full of purple paper clips and things. I looked at him bewildered. He started with an apology—for the delay. It turns out that several of my colleagues had been trying to gather 50 purple gifts for my birthday but the year ended so badly that the mission was put on hold. He said it was not near 50 but maybe for my 60th they would get their act together to do it. I was thrilled and touched that they even came up with the idea. I laughed at the story behind the water bottle, which started the whole idea in motion. I think what delighted me most was that it changed the colour of my mind today and brought a smile to my heart. God bless my friends.

Peace,

Suzanne

International Day of Peace

"Can anyone refuse mercy to another, yet expect pardon for one's own sins?" ~ Sirach 28:4

The older I get, the more relaxed I become about what other’s do. Instead of getting angry or hurt, I move to mercy sooner. I think part of it is realizing my own imperfections and hoping that I will be pardoned for them.

Today is the International Day of Peace. We are reminded that in this broken world, we must heal the human race. The Archbishop lead the prayer tonight and three people spoke of their dreams for peace. One was a Congolese man who fled his country. I wanted to speak to him afterwards but he left while I was in the middle of a conversation with someone else. Dreams for freedom and peace were spoken tonight. The speakers shared their vision for inner-city youth, for refugees, for war-torn countries, and for decent housing.

The Archbishop said God also has a dream for peace…for shalom. When one suffers, we all suffer and one day Love will be stronger than hate. Each of us must work towards that vision in order to make it happen. He defined shalom as harmony, acceptance, a full flowering, and cooperation. In the end, the Archbishop stated, God’s dream will be realized.

Peace,

Suzanne

Get Out of the Way

"My confidence is placed in God who does not need our help for accomplishing his designs. Our single endeavor should be to give ourselves to the work and to be faithful to him, and not to spoil his work by our shortcomings." ~ Isaac Jogues

The Feast of the Canadian Martyrs is on Monday. I am preparing a prayer time for the Pastoral Parish Council for Thursday and was gathering quotes that I might use during that time. This one spoke to me.

Lord, help me to get out of your way. There is so much good that we can do, but sometimes, we can do harm. I want to be faithful to your work in the busy fall schedule. Help me to listen well to you, Dear One. When I do falter, redeem my errors and shortcomings and let Your glory shine through in spite of it all.

Peace,

Suzanne

A Miracle A Day

"Everyday holds the possibility of a miracle." ~ on a cross I bought today

I saw this cross at a Christian bookstore I stopped at today and decided to buy it. This will be my new mantra. I said in the life vision that I worked on this summer during the cruise that I wake up each morning expecting miracles. This cross will reinforce that thinking.

Today’s miracle: my cousin called at a moment when I was sitting down to respond to some email. She shook me into a different frame of mind because I had wanted to share a delightful story with her. She got the punch line just like I did. She is so wonderful.

Today’s second miracle: my friend’s surgery went well today and now the recovery begins. Thank you, Jesus! She has been on my mind all day and so I am grateful to have come home to a positive message about how things went.

Peace,

Suzanne

Thinking Outside the Box

"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, nor are your ways my ways, says the Lord." ~ Isaiah 55:8

Today’s readings are interesting and challenging. God simply does not think like we do and trying to wrap our human brains around what God does is sometimes beyond our comprehension. God’s ways are not ours. It is true. Yet as the psalmist sings God’s compassion is over all.

Sometimes life is not fair from our perspective. The Gospel reading is about paying all the workers the same wage, despite some having worked the entire day and some having worked only an hour. The workers were angry with the owner because he was generous. The old saying the first shall be last and the last first is a painful lesson most days.

I love this Gospel reading though because it helped me in my work place. I work extremely hard and get paid less than most of the other staff as I am not a teacher. I take on new tasks and I step up when asked to participate. I began to gripe interiorly about this and question what the heck I was doing when this reading presented itself to me. Ah, perhaps, I just needed to do my job and not worry about those who are not half as motivated as me. I am responsible for my time, talent and treasure. Others can hide it under a bushel or take advantage of the situation. They deal with their own consciences. I must face my own. Who knows why those workers were not the first to go and work? What remains is that I focus on my business and not theirs.

Another reason this has been on my mind today is that tomorrow a friend is undergoing major surgery for the second time in her life. She is scared—and rightfully so. God’s way is not our way. Those who work in the field all day are treated as the others who come to the Kingdom late. God does not play favourites. God has some plan that we do not see fully. The point is in the second reading today: Live your life in a manner worthy of the Gospel of Christ. Are you envious because God is generous to others? If so, maybe it is time to think outside the box and see with eyes more like God’s.

How are you choosing to live today?

Peace,

Suzanne

Stepping Out

"Faith is taking the first step even when you don’t see the whole staircase." ~ Martin Luther King Jr.

With the fall season now upon me, I turn to how best to use my time, talent and treasure this year. If I think too much about it though, I will be overwhelmed. Tomorrow I kick off the Welcoming Committee at my parish picnic. This ministry has not been successful in a while now and so here is my attempt at turning my community into a warmer place even as the weather turns colder.

I will also co-coordinate the Prison Ministry and do spiritual direction at my church. As the fundraiser co-chair for the national conference in 2014 for my professional organization, there will be lots to plan and coordinate.

This week my evenings start to get booked. My prayer group reconvenes on Monday, there is a peace prayer gathering, a council meeting where I have been asked to lead the prayer time, and another week begins with my interfaith group also starting up again.

I have to trust that all will be provided as I gear up for a busier-than-last-year schedule. I cannot see what the whole picture yet looks like but I am excited about it regardless. All for the glory of God!

Peace,

Suzanne

Smile for the Day

"I appreciate and respect you so very much." ~ in an email today from a mentor

Some days someone says something to you and your heart skips a beat. The words are profound and meaningful, remaining with your spirit as you move through the day. Such were these words that I read in an email today.

I had sent someone an email, expressing my condolences at a recent death in that person's family. I received an email back, affirming who I was with such gratitude that it made me smile the rest of the day. While in the act of blessing, I was blessed.

Who do you appreciate and respect? Have you told them so recently?

Peace,

Suzanne

Scary!

"All writers are vampires." ~ James Gandolfini

I have to admit that I love The Vampire Diaries. I watched the season premiere tonight and am still hooked. Who would have thought it, eh? Maybe the quote explains it…or the photo. Perhaps I am a vampire or a witch. I even sat through the new show right afterwards because the TV told me that if I loved Vampire Diaries that I would also enjoy The Secret Circle. I got sucked in but it’s got my attention. I am not yet convinced I will be a faithful follower of these witches but the vampires, witches and wolves that proceed it are still on my must-watch list.

Why is it that every Vampire Diaries has a cliff-hanging ending? I believe that is why I am so addicted to it. Love the writing! Tune in but don't blame me if you think it is either riduculous or addictive. I know. I am scary on all kinds of level in this post, aren't I?

Peace,

Suzanne

Simplify

"Jesus, help me to simplify my life by learning what you want me to be and becoming that person." ~ Saint Therese of Lisieux

The fall schedule is always a bit crazy. I can work some pretty long and intense days. I want to be the best me that God created me to be, not some tired, and then on occasion cranky, me. I am not cranky at the moment, but I do have a headache that makes me irritable. Yes, I am splitting hairs.

Tonight I think I need to get to bed early. The pace today was intense as it usually is at this school. By the time I finish being cheerleader, I am pooped! The long drive home was spent debriefing the day in my head before I began to concentrate on the awesome cloud formations filling the sky. I was wishing for a camera. Black fluff reached down and touched the farmers’ fields, threatening rain.

If I pare away those things that are not supposed to be me, what would be left? Could I be like a flower that just grows, because it knows that is what it is supposed to be?

Only God knows.

Peace,

Suzanne

Curves and Crunches

"I am pushing sixty. That is enough exercise for me." ~ Mark Twain

Maybe if I had these stairs to climb up and down every night I would be motivated to exercise more. If my destination were the ocean, would I tire of my routine? Hard to know really.

Tonight I went to Curves for the first time. I am there on one of those group coupons. I have the opportunity to do a Curves Circuit, complete with a Zumba Fitness component, twelve times. I found the experience intriguing on several fronts.

First of all, one of the reasons that I signed up is that my BMI tells me I am overweight. The calculations today said I was good. Hmmm…suspend judgment for now. Then out came the measuring tape. What size was I in clothing? Yup, that was all good except for my hips. They were a little larger than the size I gave. Ok. Step on the scale, please. Wow! I was almost dead on with what I told her my weight was…and that was somehow unusual. I guess people don't weight themselves these days. By the way, I had such a nice pedicure. Why did I start regretting this choice?

Did I mention that snacking is apparently a bad thing? I had to answer this series of questions and one was odd. I forget what it was now but when I asked for clarification, the response was a question: Do I snack? Yes, but what if it is a healthy snack? She looked blankly at me for a moment and then but down snacks.

What was unusual was that she did not ask about injuries or issues that the instructor would need to know about. I am used to Pilates where that is almost always the first question.

Time for the machines. One of the staff showed me how to use them. Having been used to Pilates, I was surprised that there was not much attention spent on how I was performing each station. I was aware of my core but it did not seem to concern the staff. I hope that changes. It looks like people just do their own thing though.

I was a tad concerned about the skinny young woman, working out furiously while the staff person said she was so proud of her. Really? Can you say eating disorder? Hello!

My first work out is on Saturday. I will let you know if I have had enough exercise by the first class or not.

Peace,

Suzanne

Why are You Here?

Nevertheless, today we too have been “redeemed from the grave.” The question is “Why?” Whatever the reason: do it now. ~ Joan Chittister, OSB

I read this quote by Sr. Joan Chittister on my friend’s blog tonight and it grabbed my heart. Yesterday was a day of reflection. What has changed in our hearts and lives these past 10 years? If we have been redeemed from the grave, are we living any differently? I thought of my African friends earlier today too. I wonder what is happening in their lives and if they are nearing the grave as hunger, war, and the drought threaten their existence. How come I get off so easily?

Joan’s words are a challenge to me. If I have been redeemed from the grave, what am I to be doing? The photo is of a memorial in Burundi that I stopped at en route to one of the peace ministries. Tutus from a nearby boys’ school had been massacred on that spot the day after the presidents’ plane was shot down. What do I do with my life is a question that needs to be answered sooner than later. Have you answered it honestly lately?

Peace,

Suzanne

9/11/11

We ask, O God, for the grace to be our best selves.
We ask for the wisdom to be builders of the human community rather than destroyers.
We ask for the humility as a people to understand the fears and hopes of other peoples.
We ask for the love it takes to bequeath to the children of the world to come
more than the failures of our own making.

We ask for the heart it takes to care for all the peoples of the world as well as ourselves.

~ from Prayer for World Peace by Joan Chittister, osb

Today I attended the interfaith service in Central Park. The irony or blessing of where it was held was not lost on me. 9/11/11—ten years after the terrorist attack on the World Trade Center Towers. A good number of us gathered to remember: Muslim, Christian, Hindu, B’hai, Sikh, Aboriginal, Jain, and Buddhist each praying in our own tradition, united in our desire for peace. Dance, chant, song, and prayer expressed that desire. I am glad that I went and ran into many people I knew there, people who try to live non-violently.

Ten years ago I woke up to the news that a plane had flown into one of the World Trade Center Towers in New York City. Something in my head went off and I stumbled out of bed and turned the TV on. I saw, as many of us did, the second plane hit live. That was when I knew that my initial assumption was correct. When the news of the third and fourth plane was revealed, there was no doubt of the horror that was unfolding. We did not fully understand how much it would change our lives and our world.

I ask, O God, for the grace to be my best self, to be a builder of community, to move beyond fears to hope, to leave this world a better one for the next generation, and to have the heart required to care when there is nothing left to give.

I have always signed off my blog with one word, but tonight, I especially mean it.

Peace,

Suzanne

Outsmart Yourself

"Even a fairly minor painful experience can result in psychological trauma." ~ Karl Lehman, MD

I was at a workshop today entitled Outsmarting Yourself: Catching your past invading the present and what to do about it which is also the name of a book by the presenter, Karl Lehman. The premise is that the brain has strategies that navigate the world, sometimes successfully, but other times not so much. Lehman combines the brain science with a prayer method known as the Immanuel Approach. We were able to see a live demonstration of the prayer session, which was interesting.

In a nutshell, the theory was that all of us are wounded in childhood and if we can return to the memory with Jesus, we can be healed and move forward. If we do not, then as adults, we experience triggers that stop us from being relational and whole. Lehman had an interesting comment about church and trauma for children since they do not have the maturity to understand some of the language used in church. He told a funny (though sobering) story of wondering how to “pluck his eye out” when he heard that expression quoted from Scripture. For many years, his image of God was not a benevolent one.

In the demo, the woman talked about her feelings of inadequacies in her birth family that now over spilled into her own family. By the end of her session, clearly Jesus had renewed her from showing her that he loved her, even if she played off key—in fact he delighted in her. Lehman had stated earlier in the presentation that God does not focus on our particular malfunctions.

Our inner work is the most important work we will ever do. Outsmart yourself and see where you need healing and then find the courage to figure out how. I have never regretted the times I did.

Peace,

Suzanne

Remembering Ginny

"And when great souls die,
after a period peace blooms,
slowly and always
irregularly. Spaces fill
with a kind of
soothing electric vibration.
Our senses, restored, never
to be the same, whisper to us.
They existed. They existed.
We can be. Be and be
better. For they existed."
— Maya Angelou

I used to hate September. I dreaded it. In my mind, it was the great “fall” into a deep, dark abyss. The month that changed my life forever evoked a sense of panic within me. My sister died at the end of September and a year later my friend Ginny died at the beginning of the month. The following week, Dawson, my friend’s husband, died. In that one year of shock, 13 deaths occurred, as well as many other tragedies. I could hardly breathe at times. Now it is 19 years later since my sister’s death and while the sadness remains some days, a peace has bloomed in my soul.

This morning I woke up to a Facebook posting called Remembering Ginny by her daughter Ann. Eighteen years is a long time and yet as I read the posts I know that Ginny still exists in so many hearts and the gratitude for her life is fresh and vibrant. Her gifts were many and varied. She blessed us because she existed. Our lives are irregular without her and yet when a great soul touches your own soul, you are never the same.

I met Ginny the year I lived with Sojourners Community. She was one of the intern coordinators. I think I loved her immediately. She taught me to love myself in that year together. She had a wonderful ability to give unconditional love. She loved her husband and her two children. Ann looked like a “mini-Ginny” and even at a young age seemed to absorb Ginny’s artistic gifts. Jake, here in Ginny’s arms, on a day of action against apartheid, was a joy in my life, too. He was such a happy child.

Well, except for the day I yelled at him. Poor Jake! I had come across Gin gardening in front of her home and Jake playing out in the front yard one Saturday. Gin and I, as was customary, launched into an intense conversation, oblivious to our surroundings. I glanced away from her gaze at one point and saw Jake with the gardening shears, open, heading towards the cat’s tail. “Jake!” I screamed. That one word startled him and he burst into tears, dropping the shears. Ginny eventually calmed him but he took a couple of days to trust me again. The person who usually made him laugh had managed to scare him silly.

Ann, to me, was such an extraordinary child. I could not quite place my finger on it until I took her to see The Land Before Time. Afterwards she wanted to get her mom flowers for no special occasion—what kid wants to do that? We went into a florist shop and she saw a pretty bouquet. She did not have enough money, but like something out of a Hallmark movie, the store manager was touched by her obvious love for her mom, and when responding to how much she had, he replied that it was exactly the right amount. We arrived home to find Ginny and her husband, Rob, sprawled out on the living room floor, having an indoor picnic, one of the many romantic moments in their marriage. She was delighted to have the flowers and we listened as Ann recounted the movie tale almost word for word, reveling in her delivery. Many times in my life, I remember that scene because that was the kind of family moment I always wished that I had lived as a child. The love in the room at the moment was so authentic that I longed to have it one day in my life.

I have so many amazing memories of Ginny. She was an earth-friendly cook—she made the best lentil burgers I have ever tasted. She was part rebel. She would get these fiery flashes of passion in her eyes about a subject that urged people not to be lukewarm about an issue. She taught me how to take a stand. She was a lover of life. I used to love to make her laugh. One day, in the middle of a hotly contested Pictionary Game, she stood up, took about three steps and collapsed in a pool of laughter on the floor. “You’re so funny!” she gasped at me. Making Ginny laugh was one of my favourite past times. At one of our intern retreats, she sat beside me on the couch on a rainy morning, and watched my curly hair dry. She helped me to see that a thing of beauty is often right before our eyes if we only look.

I remember a long walk on a beach with her, something we both cherished. Nothing clears my head and revives my soul better than a walk along the ocean or lake. That walk bonded us in a way that I treasure. I left that conversation a better person because I suddenly realized that I was lovable despite all my shortcomings. She also made me see that I am beautiful, something I had never really claimed until that point in my life. Ginny had laid the foundation for me to believe in myself and for that I will be ever grateful.

When I heard that Ginny was sick, I sent her a bouquet of balloons or flowers, I do not really remember which. I called her the next day. She began the conversation by complimenting and blessing me. I remember thinking, “that is so Ginny.” In the midst of her pain, she reached out to minister to me. I flew out to see her in the hospital, and on that visit, all the tears of the past months caught up with me. I cried quietly as I prayed with her. Suddenly, I had a sense that she was not going anywhere as fast as the doctors had thought and a deep peace settled upon me. She did get better briefly, allowing her some quality time with her family. I was not able to go to the funeral service and to this day, I regret it. Closure took a long time as I sorted through the many deaths that occurred in that thirteen-month period.

Now when I think of Ginny, memories of her smile, her laughter, her arms raised in praise during worship, the flash of passion, the love as she celebrated the Eucharist, her role as wife and mother, the intensity of conversations, her loyalty to her friends, her righteous anger, her creativity, her affirming nature, and her great compassion are what stand out. I am remembering Ginny this day, and sending blessings to Rob, Ann and Jake, as well as all of us who loved her and miss her. We are better people because of her and I will be grateful forever for this great soul.

Peace,

Suzanne

Alaskan Cruise Reunion

“We live in a wonderful world that is full of beauty, charm and adventure. There is no end to the adventures we can have if only we seek them with our eyes open.” ~ Jawaharial Nehru

Tonight I had a mini reunion of some of the people from the Stephanie Staples session who were on the cruise to Alaska. One was in town from Vancouver and it was a delight to get to see these positive and beautiful women again. They really live life as an adventure with their eyes wide open. Many of them have their next adventure in the works already. It was such a pleasure to see them living fully.

We flipped through some of the amazing photos of our trip. It is hard not to take good photos when the scenery is screaming, “I am beautiful. Take my photo now.” We laughed at some of the stories, reliving the polar bear dip that two brave souls did, feeling sad about the beautiful but caged, blind eagle that I and another person had seen, and raving about the food. A brilliant suggestion came forth that we have a potluck and try to recreate some of our favourite dishes from our dining experience. I could try a crème brûlée, I suppose. That might be an adventure onto itself.

Picture a wonderful world full of beauty, charm and adventure and place yourself with eyes wide open in the middle of it.

Peace,

Suzanne

Kiss the Ground All Ways

"There are hundreds of ways to kneel and kiss the ground." ~ Rumi

A friend emailed me this quote, perhaps written by Gandhi but online it says Rumi, both holy in their own right. Both are able to kiss the ground.

I have had a full day of seeing how people kiss the ground differently. At the very beginning of the day, I was reminded that two people’s minds working together create a better outcome. By the end of the day, I acknowledge that seeing how people respond differently is a blessing. One of the reasons that I love this particular photo, is that the African Sisters who kept this tabernacle in their convent chapel, could worship a God who held up half the world on Her head. It made so much sense to me as I stood in awe in front of it.

May I always be ready to kiss the ground in my own way while respecting those who kneel and kiss it differently.

Peace,

Suzanne

A Blind World

"An eye for an eye only ends up making the whole world blind." ~ Mohandas Gandhi

This afternoon the director of our unit spoke about forgiveness at our branch meeting. We have had a rough go of things in this past year or so. I thought it was interesting to talk about this particular topic at not only a secular, but also a government, work place. Regardless, I agreed with every single statement that she made and thought she was brave to bring it forward.

Unforgiveness leads to a lot of negative behaviour and thinking. A hardened heart keeps prisoner the one who refuses to move on. Forgiveness frees people. I watched this eagle for a few minutes in the Mount Roberts Nature Center in Juneau, Alaska this summer. Most people took a quick look and went on their way. I stood snapping some photos, but put the camera down and let my sadness wash over me. She was blinded in her left eye which you caught a glimpse of if you waited for it. She did not like to show it and watchful, used the right eye to see who was observing her. She made several attempts to fly away, but having had her wings clipped, she was futile in her efforts.

I think of the eagle from time to time. If we, like Gandhi, know that an eye for an eye does not have a good outcome, then why do we perpetuate such thinking? Would it not be better to forgive and then fly freely? We could move about without the need to keep our one good eye so astutely on those around us, because of our fears and mistrust.

Forgiveness is something that does not really need another person. If that grace occurs, then it is just that, grace. Forgiving yourself for your shortcomings and your failings is a good place to start moving towards freedom and grace. Do it today.

Peace,

Suzanne

End of "Freedom"

"Take rest; a field that has rested gives a bountiful crop." ~ Ovid

Today is Labour Day here in Canada (Labor Day in the USA). I always feel a twinge of anxiety about saying good-bye to the summer pace before returning to labouring. Once tomorrow hits, routine kicks in and I step on the work treadmill and run non-stop until Christmas. I do not feel as rested this year as I get ready to return. I am hoping that because I have been back at work for almost two weeks, that I won’t feel quite as exhausted as the “first day back” usually leaves me.

A friend who retired in June is not coming back to the school year. She said that it felt right not to be going to work after so many years. I wish I were accompanying her on her treks through the beauty of Newfoundland like we did a few years back as you can see in the photo above rather than heading back to work tomorrow, too.

Alas, all good things must come to an end and so hi ho, hi ho, it is off to work I go for another school year. I am hoping that the summer has given me enough of a good rest that I can produce a bountiful crop this year.

Peace,

Suzanne

Geese and Red Leaves

"When summer gathers up her robes of glory,
And, like a dream, glides away."
~ Sarah Helen Whitman

Ack!! I woke up this morning to the sound of geese flying over my home, honking loudly. No, I thought. It cannot be that they are already flying south. Winter will be long. Then tonight during a walk, I saw red leaves on a tree. No, I inwardly screamed. Stop!! I cannot do it. I cannot yet let go of summer. The temperatures have dropped down to single digits at night. I am wearing slippers and a sweater around the house. I have closed all the windows too. Sigh. I detest summer’s gathering up of her robes of glory. Stay a little longer. Linger. Please. Conflict grows within. Don’t go, Summer. Please. I try to reconcile within myself about my desire to hang on. Autumn has a glory of its own but I do not welcome it as I should here. Living on the east coast, I relished in the colours.

Today’s mass readings were all about conflict and peacemaking. The call to love your neighbour by not doing harm is a challenging one. So often we are oblivious to the fact that we have injured someone’s emotions. I ask for grace to let go where I need to and move on where I must.

This is an odd comment but when I logged on I happen to notice that I have as many page views as the year of my birth—1961. That made me chuckle.

Peace,

Suzanne

Angel from Heaven

"Daughters are angels sent from above to fill our heart with unending love." -- J. Lee

A few years ago now, I introduced two friends at a party I was having at my home. They fell in love and got married. This week they were blessed with a perfect little girl, who does seem like an angel. I had the opportunity to meet her today. Welcome to the world, little one!

Peace,

Suzanne

Prairie Sunset

"Pure luminous color fighting the silent shadows to the last". ~ Walt Whitman

Tonight I met with a friend at a local coffee shop and then went for a walk through the park and gardens. As we crossed over the river, the sun had already begun its descent. I love a prairie sunset. The sky does seem to fight the dark shadows that threaten to invade it. The magnificent and luminous colours take hold of the sky as they arm wrestle for those last bright moments before the stars can peek out.

As we walked through the flower gardens in the dimming light, we were met with a fragrance so marvelous that it stopped me in my tracks. I breathed deeply, knowing that I won’t have much time to enjoy beautiful moments like this in the next few weeks as the pace picks up. I have to carve out those moments in my fall schedule. I should remember to walk in the falling leaves and bid adieu to summer in these coming weeks.

Like the sun, I find myself rallying against the invasive silent shadows to the last.

Peace,

Suzanne


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Do No Harm

It may seem a strange principle to enunciate as the very first requirement in a hospital that it should do the sick no harm. ~ Florence Nightingale

I stopped in to visit a 94-year-old friend who is in the hospital on my way home from work today. I felt so sad seeing her, sitting in her chair, when I arrived. She sparked right up though when she spotted me. I had to suit up—yellow gown and gloves—for some reason. The patient was in isolation. I washed my hands, put the gloves on, and then almost immediately took them off during our conversation. She is deaf and I could see her following my hands around so I thought they were too distracting as I signed.

She was sharing a room with another elderly woman who even a little bit older I think. That woman pressed her call button and when the staff person finally came, she said another person would have to come back and help her eat. Off she went and no one else came. I finally asked the woman what she needed. She wanted her meat cut. I walked over and did it. Noticing her cookie, I unwrapped it. The aide must have walked in minutes later, scooped up her tray and said, “I will leave your cookie for you.” I should have stopped her and let her know she had not yet had time to eat anything. My friend waved her away. She was still going to eat her supper.

I was appalled at how they were both treated. Hospital staff are overworked and cranky it seems but still, patients need a safer place to heal. Lord, keep me well so that I do not have to end up in the hospital.

Peace,

Suzanne