Chasing The One God

"What you are searching for and chasing after reveals the god that is winning the war in your heart." ~ Kyle Idleman

Where is my heart these days? I am spending hours retracing the roots and footprints of apartheid as I prepare for the course that starts on Monday. I have read two-thirds of Mandela's Long Walk to Freedom, half of Albie Sachs' memoir, a good chunk of a book on Truth and Reconciliation Commissions, and a number of other things. My heart is with this nation that still struggles with freedom.

My heart too is remembering my desire to serve God and to put God first in my life. I think I have been unfaithful in this regard. God slips down a space or two on my list, replaced by things that cannot satisfy me, though they distract me much too well before I awaken to the fact that I have fallen off the cliff. This week has been a reminder that my eyes are not always on the One who loves me. They are sometimes on shiny but empty promises that disappoint and leave me longing.

I had a crazy day, waking up feeling hurt and angry from a conversation with a friend the night before. I slipped into an unhealthy space of feeling used and abused. It is never a good outcome when that happens and yet, I think the healthy acknowledgement of boundaries was a necessary lesson. I was on retreat this morning, still brewing about the argument and distracted by my need to do some work for Monday's class that only had a brief time to occur. I left the retreat to go to the university library, parked and took longer than I hoped. As I walked back to my car, my heart stopped. Crap! Where IS my car? My heart sank. I went into the fast food restaurant in front of where I had parked and asked about what company tows the car. The sympathetic server gave me the number and acknowledged that yes, I had been towed.

I could feel my frustration rising. The temptation not to return to the retreat at this point was high but I refused to give into the negative thoughts and emotions stirred up within me. I drove back to my parish and settled briefly into the remaining prayer time before gathering with the group. One of the women asked when I was leaving for South Africa. When I told her, she said they should pray for me. I welcomed that. Darkness cannot hold back the Light in my life for too long.

I am still feeling a bit grumpy as I settle in for the evening but I hope that can shift in the next hour or so. I am so very blessed and I chase after THE God who is merciful and slow to judge.

Peace,

Suzanne