This photo is a bit odd I know. In 2009, my new colleague, Jacinta, and I were sitting stuck in Rwanda, unable to cross over into DR Congo. We could see DRC but we could not go there due to some visa issues/corruption tactics. There was a piece of land between the two border stations that was known as No Man's Land. You were neither in DRC nor Rwanda. It had a bit of a strange feeling to it--as if I did not belong anywhere for a few minutes as we walked across the neutral space. I was neither here nor there.
Today Margaret Silf had interesting themes for the retreat: Crisis-Opportunity, The Blessings of Chaos, Kick Starts and Strange Attactors, and Letting Go. Lots of richness gleaned will be reflected on in the week ahead but tonight I am going to focus on this image that came to me as Silf was sharing about that in-between space of no longer and not yet. As she described it, I was back in Africa in No Man's Land, with that disconnected feeling. She talked about the space in between as a gap--a gap that should be recognized as a place of grace. Something resonated for me as I listened to her.
Currently my life is unfolding on several levels that creates a no longer feeling (I cannot go backwards) and a not yet arrival (I have to wait for the bloom to open). I thought I was back in neither here nor there, but I realized that even in Africa, I was not scared of the unfolding. I had been standing in a space of grace as I am now. The visual of being between two destinations was powerful for me though and pertinent for the present unfolding.
I am excited and a little unnerved at times as doors open in a cascading fashion for me but the combination of all the wisdom coming at me today helped me to see that Grace is indeed at work. One of the gems that Silf explained was that when we are in the gap, we are vulnerable (which I tangibly experienced between the two borders guarded by soldiers with machine guns), but she added vulnerability is a place of grace. Since June, I believe I have been making myself vulnerable in a variety of ways and recently I was marveling to someone how I seemed to not yet be overwhelmed by all my "yeses" and all my decisions to step out in faith. Instead I sensed I was in a place of abundance. I only now realize that Grace has been my steady partner all these months. I have felt the blessings of Grace without fully comprehending her Gift.
Speaking of gifts, Silf told a fabulous story that she had heard on BBC radio. It entails an interview between between Iona Community member John Bell and a South African woman. He asked her at one point what legacy she desired to leave behind. Her response was something like this: I hope when I meet my Maker that I will have used up every gift I have been given and that I will come empty-handed to the Creator. Silf said that the question we will be asked is not have you been saved but have you been spent.
When I think about the many gifts I have been given--as we all have--and I see the doors of opportunity flying open lately, I know I must try to walk through them with grace and humility. I have to trust that I will be given what I need for this journey. Tonight I realize that I need a good portion of wisdom to know how and when to use the gifts properly. I want to arrive at my Maker, no longer in No Man's Land, and totally spent.
Peace,
Suzanne
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