Since returning from my trip, I have been doing a lot of thinking. While I was in Singapore and Bali, one of the blessings was I did not do any serious thinking—not even in this moment captured on film.
This morning I woke up at 7:30 and the wheels were already turning. I got up, did a few things, awaited a 9:00 phone call, did a few more things, and then decided to crawl back into bed around 10:30. My brain was turning over a number of things going on in my life. I huddled under the covers, closed my eyes, and listened to my heart. Thankfully, my cousin from Vancouver called about an hour later or I still might be there.
I discovered enough in that hour to let some peace settle in where it had been elusive. I mostly have been wondering about vocation since my return. I am grateful for those two weeks that broke me out of routine and slowed me down. I am glad to have seen new things—beauty in land, creatures, and people, culture that is different and mystical, and life in full. I was happy for few responsibilities other than to myself—yes, I enjoyed that selfishness. I felt a freedom that resonated deeply within me.
Now back into routine, I am overbooked and busy; happily on many levels but at the same time, miserable on other levels. I have known for weeks what it is…I have been here before. Vocation calls. Am I really doing what you want, God? I have had some soul-nudging experiences for some time, even before my departure, including a suggestion that I apply for a job that is coming up in a few months that would see me working in a very different environment. My soul is very restless. As odd as this may sound to those who know me, I feel lately as if I am missing the boat about where I am to serve.
Buried under my covers, I dug deep into the ponderings of my heart this morning. I faced some of the sadness there. I held up the question of “What now, God?” I replayed the voices of people who have spoken truth to me recently. Last night at a gathering, one of the nuns I know only slightly expressed how much joy I have that bubbles over into my immediate surroundings. I had been praying for joy during my six-week novena. Is it possible that it remains visible for others though is not yet in my own heart completely? Am I a source of joy? Right now, it feels hard to believe in my ponderings.
I have been fairly miserable since my return as I have written. Something has begun to shift though as I settle in here. Last night’s fundraiser for trafficked women stirred the pot some more. For a few years, I have had the desire to serve this population—but how and where? I have contacts here that would allow me to do so but sense I must wait. This morning came the news of yet another Aboriginal girl gone missing—from the Pow Wow at the university I attended, a 15-minute walk from my home. She is suspected to have been taken by a group of men who were last seen with her. Listening to the talks last night have left me unsettled. Every spring, the Aboriginal community fears the thaw as they wait for missing bodies that lie beneath the snow to be revealed. How tragic!
I am not one to ruminate to the point of depression. I do ponder and treasure, treasure and ponder, the truths of what I receive. I shift through my heart and spirit to listen to God’s voice. God has never let me down, and yet, the Holy One does not let me off easily. Re-emerging from my bed this morning, I did finally have the sense that all will be well. I may not be exactly sure of the road unfolding but I can still treasure that. Some thoughts surprised me a little in my hour rant with God about what God might have in mind. Lead me on, Lord! I will go.
Peace,
Suzanne
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