Waiting for the Stars

"I will wait for the stars,
Trust their guidance,
And let their light be enough for me."
~Joyce Rupp

This poem was handed out on the weekend by Margaret Silf. I am preparing for an Advent retreat day that I have been asked to facilitate. I feel as if images are slowly coming together for the day. I just caught these words now and they fit with what is also unfolding for my hopes for the day.

I love this line from it too: "There was a time before maps when pilgrims travelled by the stars." Many of us wish we were able to see more than a few steps in front of us. I have found lately that I am free to stand in the dim light of the journey and not know its outcome. This has been a huge freedom for me and I don't know if I can embrace the change permanently but I want to try.

Some people want to see the future and consult all sorts of mystics to do so. I want to continue to learn to throw myself in complete trust upon the One who knows what is ahead and loves me enough not to show me what will happen. I will wait for the stars, and trust in their light to be more than enough for me, even when the night seems darker than anything I know and scary because of it. Those moments are harder than these that I currently am in which seem more like nights where the snow reflects the moon and the stars so that it does not seem dark or scary. It just feels like I am standing in that in-between space of no longer and not yet and that the dawn is coming. I just need to keep my eye on the Star.

peace,

Suzanne

Making Room

"To be a contemplative, there must be room for God." ~ Joan Chittister

I took time out this weekend to make room for God. I am glad that I did that. Today I had a good day, because something inside of me seems to have shifted a bit. I fell back into a routine I had fallen out of. I have accomplished a lot today and am happy about that. I like being productive. I have not done everything I set out to do today but my list was long.

I love having a day off. I have not left the house, except to shovel the walk. I am about to head out though and I feel as if I want to stay cocooned into the space I have created today. I know that as soon as I arrive where I am going that will change. God will be where I am going to, but I am grateful for a leisurely, contemplative day here with God. I need to have more days like this one.

When was the last time you made room for God?

Peace,

Suzanne

Everything She Had

"They all gave out of their wealth; but she, out of her poverty, put in everything--all she had to live on." ~ Mark 12:44

Today's readings are about women's ability to give and give more than generously. In the First Reading, the widow is gathering sticks to bake a last meal when Elijah comes to her asking her for some water. She carries out his instructions and is blessed in the doing. In the Gospel, once again, it is a woman who catches the attention of a man for her generosity. This time it is Jesus and he points out that this poor widow puts in everything.

I have been thinking about generosity lately--my own in particular. I am not sure if I need to reign it in sometimes. A part of me feels taken advantage of in a specific situation and realizing that I need to step away from a relationship that is somewhat unhealthy. I have telling friends that for weeks...maybe longer. I am sure that they are tired of hearing me say that I am going to do it but I have not made much headway in establishing new boundaries.

What is it that makes me--or anyone, for that matter--give without counting the cost (a good Ignatian philosophy) or give with a scoreboard in hand? I had the pleasure of thanking a speaker at retreat this weekend and I pointed out that she had given us everything she had, just like the widows in the readings this weekend. She also gave us the ability to become like sourdough bread, inadvertently commissioning us to go forth to share our own gifts. She gave twice because of this, and the giving will have a ripple effect. I knew from the retreat centre director that she gave until it hurt...physically. That selflessness is admirable.

So why then not give without counting the cost all the time? God who is the Great Giver does not keep track of our indiscretions, of our lack of gratitude, of our attempts to manipulate situations, of our blatant taking advantage of God's generosity. Is it possible to give like that when we are human? Is it possible not to feel hurt and self-righteous when we realize the recipient has been far from grateful?

I find myself thinking of the two widows today and wanting to give back to God everything I have been given by serving others. I think when people give out of their abundance, it is easy to give. When we give out of our very selves, the cost of the generosity is extravagant and we become vulnerable. These two widows stepped beyond themselves and into God's grace in order to give as they did. There is a lesson there for me.

Peace,

Suzanne

No Man's Land

"You need to let go of the familiar to go to the new place to which you are invited." ~ paraphrase of a comment by Margaret Silf

This photo is a bit odd I know. In 2009, my new colleague, Jacinta, and I were sitting stuck in Rwanda, unable to cross over into DR Congo. We could see DRC but we could not go there due to some visa issues/corruption tactics. There was a piece of land between the two border stations that was known as No Man's Land. You were neither in DRC nor Rwanda. It had a bit of a strange feeling to it--as if I did not belong anywhere for a few minutes as we walked across the neutral space. I was neither here nor there.

Today Margaret Silf had interesting themes for the retreat: Crisis-Opportunity, The Blessings of Chaos, Kick Starts and Strange Attactors, and Letting Go. Lots of richness gleaned will be reflected on in the week ahead but tonight I am going to focus on this image that came to me as Silf was sharing about that in-between space of no longer and not yet. As she described it, I was back in Africa in No Man's Land, with that disconnected feeling. She talked about the space in between as a gap--a gap that should be recognized as a place of grace. Something resonated for me as I listened to her.

Currently my life is unfolding on several levels that creates a no longer feeling (I cannot go backwards) and a not yet arrival (I have to wait for the bloom to open). I thought I was back in neither here nor there, but I realized that even in Africa, I was not scared of the unfolding. I had been standing in a space of grace as I am now. The visual of being between two destinations was powerful for me though and pertinent for the present unfolding.

I am excited and a little unnerved at times as doors open in a cascading fashion for me but the combination of all the wisdom coming at me today helped me to see that Grace is indeed at work. One of the gems that Silf explained was that when we are in the gap, we are vulnerable (which I tangibly experienced between the two borders guarded by soldiers with machine guns), but she added vulnerability is a place of grace. Since June, I believe I have been making myself vulnerable in a variety of ways and recently I was marveling to someone how I seemed to not yet be overwhelmed by all my "yeses" and all my decisions to step out in faith. Instead I sensed I was in a place of abundance. I only now realize that Grace has been my steady partner all these months. I have felt the blessings of Grace without fully comprehending her Gift.

Speaking of gifts, Silf told a fabulous story that she had heard on BBC radio. It entails an interview between between Iona Community member John Bell and a South African woman. He asked her at one point what legacy she desired to leave behind. Her response was something like this: I hope when I meet my Maker that I will have used up every gift I have been given and that I will come empty-handed to the Creator. Silf said that the question we will be asked is not have you been saved but have you been spent.

When I think about the many gifts I have been given--as we all have--and I see the doors of opportunity flying open lately, I know I must try to walk through them with grace and humility. I have to trust that I will be given what I need for this journey. Tonight I realize that I need a good portion of wisdom to know how and when to use the gifts properly. I want to arrive at my Maker, no longer in No Man's Land, and totally spent.

Peace,

Suzanne

When the Plough Goes Through

"If life has ploughed up your plans, quite possibly it was to plant new seeds."~ Margaret Silf

I am on retreat this weekend, listening to Margaret Silf from England discuss the topic, The Other Side of Chaos: Breaking Through When Life is Breaking Down. Tonight's session was entitled "When the Plough Goes Through" which got quite a chuckle due to the snow storm threatening to blow through tonight and tomorrow.

Margaret is delightful--witty, British, thought-provoking, and inspiring. The Brits have a lovely way about them. I think I will find rest here. The image she created tonight was based on a story of a man who ploughed a field and had the creatures who walked through it, respond in upheaval. The once grassy path was now deeply furrowed and not so easily maneuvered. However, flocks of birds embraced the change, discovering food in the newly upturned soil. Silf made the link that when life ploughs up our fields, God can prepare the ground for new seeding and a new harvest, a new way of being human.

Think about the times in your own life when the plough of circumstance has messed up your life. Not everything bad happens for a reason but when the plough does come through, something new may arise, perhaps something that has been buried. This unexpected grace can be a treasure . She gave the example of the para-Olympians who when asked why they were here as athletes answered, "I'm here by accident." Literally. The play on words caught my attention. How often do we end up somewhere we never meant to?

From my own experience, I know that the death of my sister tore a huge and ugly gash in my life geography, changing me forever. I would never wish my experience on anyone, but I do know that twenty years later, I am grateful for the crop that came out of the turning up of the soil of my life. I see how it has and still continues to shape me, to hold lightly to all things but to embrace with gratitude for whatever experience I have, whether short or long. I think in some ways, my sister's death nudged me towards Ignatian spirituality and that very lesson.

Silf suggested that any real spiritual growth does not happen on mountain tops but in the valley where you realize you cannot do it yourself but that you need God. The gusts of wind that threaten to overwhelm you, push you into what supports you. When life knocks you sideways, you are now able to look in a new direction. She spoke of St. Ignatius and his grumbling attitude as he convalesced after being wounded. Suddenly, life took on a whole different direction for him, for which I personally 450 years later, am incredibly grateful. Sometimes, when life lets you down, you end up at Christ's feet. She used the story of the paralytic whose friends tore off the roof to lower him down to Jesus to illustrate this.

I like the spirit of this retreat and coming here always feels like coming home. The sisters who run the place are so welcoming to me. I have taken refuge here many times in my life and come away so much wiser and peaceful. The women who come to these events...and God bless those men who should be here listening too but who rarely take time out to do so...are familiar faces and open spirits. There is always good conversation.

May the plough turn up some interesting new food for me this weekend.

Peace,

Suzanne

Watching Angels

"Peace be unto you from the watching angels." ~ lyrics from Peace Be Unto You on Steve Bell's new release, Keening for the Dawn

I have this feeling of abundance that is difficult to explain lately. I swung by Steve Bell's music studio and chatted with him and the words--I feel as if life is abundant right now--or something like that were running through my head as I caught him up on my life. I am so very grateful for the many opportunities presenting themselves so graciously to me. I appreciate that somehow I have the energy to do them all. This song from his new cd is haunting me and has grabbed a piece of my soul. I know my angels are watching and guiding me. I feel as if I am standing before a door that opens wider and wider and I just keep walking through with a trusting heart.

Do you feel watching angels showering peace upon you?

Peace,

Suzanne

Within You

“You must find the place inside yourself where nothing is impossible.” ~ Deepak Chopra

When we limit ourselves by our thinking, we lose out before even setting out. If we can believe deep inside ourselves that all things are possible because we have been blessed beyond our imaginings we might discover the truth of the power that lies within us. Trust that the gifts you have been given are all you will need because God has hand selected each one specifically for you to help bring about the Kingdom through you.

Peace,

Suzanne