My Grandma, What a Big Heart You Have!

We should all have one person who knows how to bless us despite the evidence, Grandmother was that person to me. ~Phyllis Theroux


Interesting that today will be my 60th blog posting and the last day to write about matters of the heart and that I would choose to honour my grandmother with this entry. She should be remembered in a special way and this seems fitting.

Yesterday, had she survived, Gram would have been 101. However, she did not even want to wait around for her 95th birthday. She was tired and wanted to go Home. Who could really blame her? All of us grieved to think about not having her in our lives anymore but we knew she was ready. She would get so angry if we hinted at having a 95th birthday party for her.

I have marvelous memories of treks to BC to spend time with my mother’s family throughout my childhood. As an adult I continued the sojourn, often on a biennial basis. Gram was a remarkable woman. Grandpa died 34 years into their marriage and Gram never remarried. She seemed content all those years on her own, surrounding herself with her children and grandchildren, other family members, and friends.

She did know how to bless us all, despite the evidence at times. She remembered birthdays and special events when no one else did. When I graduated from my interpreter training program, she was the only family member that recognized it by sending a card and words of affirmation. She loved all of her kids and grandkids and would tell stories about us with such pride.

I could not get enough of her stories. She was insightful and hilarious. She could get a room full of people laughing in no time. Sometimes, though, a very serious side of her would come out. She would recall the hard times and you could feel the pain in her words. I am sure there were many situations that I never heard about. Raising a disabled child in an era where there were little social supports in place was challenging but she loved her youngest daughter just as much as her other children.

I can see her even now, sitting in her chair in her apartment, praying. She was such a woman of faith. I swear I inherited that from her. She had rock solid despite having a right to rail against a God who threw some curve balls her way in life. I arrived one morning to find her having a mini stroke but not wanting to go to the hospital since I had just flown into town. The aftermath of the strokes and such left her “tight” as she would call it and in pain. In many ways, prayer was what she could still do best and I knew we were blessed to have such a woman interceding for all of us.

I ticked her off one day when I did not let on that the family was throwing her a big surprise birthday party. She was so mad at me—for all of an hour or so. Gram loved to party and her family loved to honour her in that regard. I have fond memories of going out with her and her sisters. They were such fun together. I felt as if I had stepped back in time and was really blessed at sharing sister time with them.

Once when we thought the end was near, Mom and I flew out and visited her in the hospital while she was in a coma. I was there one day with my cousin and uncle who were playing crib to pass the time. I decided to do the daily readings out loud. Well, if I did not see her mouth open and close when I got to the point where the people say Amen. I glanced at my cousin and uncle who had not noticed and continued reading. After awhile, she opened her eyes. She then said a single letter...or so I thought….it was a single word actually: Pee! She had to pee. These were the first words out of her mouth after being “gone” for days. Gram was back and gave us a story that would cause us to laugh in the days ahead.

I was not there in the final days but I heard from family that staff would find a peacefulness in her room and so would just go and be with her. On that last day, she kept throwing her arms open as if to hug someone and then quickly close them. In her final moment, surrounded by her loving family, she threw them wide open. Whoever she had been waiting for had arrived. She surrendered completely to that Being and drew her final breath.

I love that story. After ninety-four years on earth, she had many people to welcome her Home but she waited patiently for the One who came for her. I will never know exactly who that was but I have my suspicions. Gram who loved us tremendously and unconditionally was loved so much by all of us. We miss her terribly. Some days I wish I could just get her advice on something. She always had such an interesting perspective. I look forward to the day of throwing open my arms to hug her once again.

Peace,

Suzanne

How Much Does God Love You?

Do not worry about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? Look at the birds of the air; they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? ~ Matthew 6:25-26

This is part of today’s Gospel reading. It is one of my favourites. As a Catholic, I was baptized as an infant. My first memory of falling in love with God happened in Grade 1. Back then, Scripture reading was allowed in school. I sat mesmerized to the Hebrew Scripture readings of Genesis. Something deep inside me was moved as I watched characters like Adam and Eve and Noah and his family interact with a very personal God.

I read Scripture daily for strength, courage, and insight. I know that when I struggle or become fearful it is easy to worry. A prayer that is said in every mass is “Deliver us, Lord, from every evil, and grant us peace in our day. In your mercy keep us free from sin and protect us from all anxiety as we wait in joyful hope for the coming of our Saviour, Jesus Christ.” A former pastor at my church always added a word: “protect us from all useless anxiety.” I loved that. Some anxiety is a good thing but useless anxiety grinds us down.

I believe in a loving God, a God who wishes the very best for us. This God knows our every need and our every desire. God who cares for the tiniest mustard seed cares also for us. God who provides for the sparrow and the elephant provides also for us.

We have choices in life. Instead of handing them over to God, we worry and try to fix the issues that suck the life out of us. I am not saying for a minute that being a Christian makes every journey smooth sailing. On the contrary, I think we have as many storms on the seas as anyone else in life. All I am suggesting is that when we hand over the worries to God that the burden is shared and somehow the anxiety is not so overwhelming. On occasion, we will experience a peace beyond our understanding. That is the gift of our faith. Grace and peace that battle the useless anxiety that threaten to devour us. Do not worry about your life. Hand the worrying over to the One who can get it under control. God loves you immensely and wants the very best for you.

Peace,

Suzanne

Heart of Stone or Flesh?

I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh. ~ Ezekiel 36:26

I found this stone in Newfoundland, along the shores of a beach laden with purple striped rocks. The heart shape caught my eye amongst all the others—a gift of sorts from the ocean to me. The ocean is always a refuge for me. I can walk for miles and never tire of it.

Hearts are funny matters. We long to give our hearts to someone and yet at the same time most people build protective fortresses around them, rendering it almost impossible for anyone to really know the heart worth loving. On the flip side, my heart is often an open book. People usually know what I am feeling. Being in a friendship or relationship with me is intense. I tend not to hold back. My heart of flesh is messy though. It is not for the faint-hearted or those who want to keep things at a surface level.

I know people who do have hearts of stone. They rarely express any emotions. They hold back from revealing their true selves, covering up the truth not only from others but from themselves too, I think. They run from pain but also from joy. I would find this incredibly frustrating and confusing. As much as I dread walking through painful moments, I would not really trade these for that way of dealing with life.

After a friend died a few years ago, I believed I was ready for a heart of stone. I did not want to feel anything any more. My heart had been shattered enough in life. When another friend asked me to walk with her weekly as she faced a life-threatening illness, something inside of me screamed NO! but the words that came out of my mouth were “of course I would.” My heart of flesh did not even think before it responded. I am wired this way to my core. Sometimes it exhausts me but at the same time my heart grounds me. I know I am loved and loving. That has been a huge gift for me. You’d be surprised the number of people who have not integrated that concept into their inner most beings.

I have wondered what it is like to have a heart of stone. I pick up the rock in the photo from time to time and thank God for my heart of flesh and ask for mercy and forgiveness when I feel the hardness creeping into the fleshiness. We have choices in life. One of them is to live with a heart of stone; the other is to live with a heart of flesh. Which do you choose?

Peace,

Suzanne

Love Somebody? Learn Your ABCs

Don't worry about life; you're not going to survive it anyway. ~ Walter Bagehot

I spent the day in a training session with colleagues on First Aid and CPR. When I saw it was being offered I realized it had been a number of years since I had done one and that with ailing parents that it might not be a bad idea to renew my certification. What did those ABCs stand for again? Right! Airway, breathing, and compression (CPR).

Some of the techniques have changed a wee bit so I was glad to do this refresher. Grey’s Anatomy makes it look so easy but as I continued to do compressions for several minutes I could feel myself tiring. The instructor said that he knew of someone who kept it up for 76 minutes but that his personal experience of 23 minutes left him weak as an overcooked spaghetti noodle.

I wondered if I would ever have to use these skills. I have not yet and have taken the course at least three times. I know at my parents’ 50th wedding anniversary my dad disappeared from the dinner table. When he did not come back in a timely fashion, I sent my brother to the restroom to check upon him. Sure enough he had done what most people do—left the table because he was choking and went to the bathroom. He could have died which happens more times than we know.

Love your family?? Do them a favour and take a First Aid/CPR course. You never know when it will come in handy.

Peace,

Suzanne

Love of all loving

Jesus Christ, Love of all loving, You were always in me, and I did not know it. You were always there and I kept on forgetting You. You were in my heart of hearts and I was looking elsewhere. ~ Brother Roger of Taize

Taize is a remarkable community and what I gleaned of Brother Roger by watching him at a distance was inspiring. He was a humble and gentle soul. His books are incredibly simple, with a recurring theme of Love.

I walked the fields of Taize endlessly when I was not praying in the modest chapel. I fell in love with Jesus all over again both times I was there. The first time I went, I was moved to tears one day and did not really know their source. Slowly I realized that I was deeply loved by the Trinity in ways that I had not known. Every movement of that first visit I was held lovingly. I left renewed.

My second visit was pure gift. My sister had died and I was given a miraculous present of airfare to anywhere that an airline flew. I chose to return to Paris and make my way to Taize, a source of strength and joy. I had not forgotten the peace I had found there, nor the abiding Presence that remained with me. Taize, that little spring time, was such a healing force.

We look elsewhere for answers and come up empty. The desires of my heart are placed there by One who already has those answers and waits for us to simply come. I forget this lesson more times than I understand but when I return to it, there is such serenity. I really need to stop being so forgetful in this regard.

Peace,

Suzanne

Greater Things

God made us for greater things: to love and to be loved. ~ Mother Teresa

Just a few more days of this month and these blogs related to either love or the heart will be done—bear with me. I had an interesting day. I was chatting with a mom about her daughter and the struggles the family is going through. I think teens today struggle with being loved. I struggled with that concept growing up. I was never a cool kid—or so I thought. A Facebook friend posted that she was getting together with school friends while home and said she was nervous that she was still the nerd she was back then. All these posts came saying she was not a nerd then or now. I have similar memories to being “nerdish” but I am not sure that my friends would agree either. Interesting how we see ourselves, eh?

I try hard to love the kids in my life, whether they are part of my professional or personal life. I see a lot of wounded creatures out there. I really want to infuse them with the ability to know they are loveable and worthy beings. I have my work cut out for me though. One nasty comment from a peer can erase any memory of an affirmation.

I listened to this mother until tears finally streamed down her face. She was telling me things, I suspect, that she had not yet confided to another non-family member. I wished with all my heart that I could take her pain away but knew that was not possible. I could only offer a safe space for the time we spoke and then pray for her. I also gave her a list of resources with which she was not yet familiar. She believes in God and trusts that all will be well.

God made us for greater things and yet sometimes, we are sidetracked. Today, I put aside my “work” and instead opened my heart to someone who needed it. I ended up paying attention to the greater thing without planning it.

Peace,

Suzanne

Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep

And if tonight my soul may find her peace
in sleep, and sink in good oblivion,
and in the morning wake like a new-opened flower
then I have been dipped again in God, and new-created.
~D.H. Lawrence

Ah, sleep! I love snuggling into my bed at the end of a rewarding day. I sleep in both a feather bed and a duvet. It is a slice of heaven. Awakening refreshed is like being dipped again in God, a new creation, ready to face the day ahead. Isn’t that a great image?? Dipped again in God. Beautiful.

So February, heart month, is coming to an end. I was reading Stephanie Staples' blog tonight and found an interesting posting regarding sleep and how the lack of it can cause heart and stroke issues. You can check out the details at http://yourlifeunlimited.ca/_blog/Blog/post/Sleep_Matters_-_Face_the_Facts!/

Lots of us try to figure out the balance of waking and sleeping hours. When I was in Burundi, I perfected it for the most part. I went to bed early due to power outages, and rose at a decent hour. I must have slept nine hours each night. My body loved it. Back in the craziness of Canadian life, I average six hours a night, nudging me towards heart disease according to the information in the above blog.

I decided last week that I really should be in bed by 10:30 at the latest weeknights. Of course, over the weekend, I was up late every night. Ack!! Why is balance sometimes such a challenge?

Peace,

Suzanne